My mother sent the snarkiest most sarcastic email to me today. sometimes I wonder what i did to deserve my family. Granted, I’m proud to be a member of this family because my Papa was the mutha fuckin shit! buuuuuuut honestly, this whole passive aggressive shit they’ve dished out to me my whole damn life i’m almost fucking FORTY years old!!! yet I’m the one who needs/should cater to them forever and always.
Why? Why do I have to continue to make people happy who never seem to care whether or not I’m happy? it’s fucking September! My daughter will be 18 years old next Saturday and there’s nothing i can possibly do without opening a can of worms neither she or i are even ready to smell at this point.
I miss my kid with every fiber of my being. I’ve asked for updates. pictures. news even. hell i wouldn’t care if they told me that she took a poop. they promised so much and i got nada. and i know i made the choice to give her up for adoption to my aunt and uncle. i honestly and naively thought that i would be able to see her grow without anything “weird” happening between me and my family but it got weird. they got weird. and i walked away. hardest most depressing decision outside of giving her up i’ve ever made in my fucking life. and guess what?!?!?!?! i regret it all. as selfish as this sounds, i really do regret it. but hindsight is 20/20 and here we are 17 years, 11 months and 22 days later. yeah i know I’m crying wolf waaaaaaay too late.
At what point, does this thing get easier?
I don’t ask for anything. I don’t want anything. all i want is this pain to go away. all i want is an opportunity to have the family I’ve wanted and needed my entire life. but as “in a perfect world” as that sounds, I know I won’t have that with my mother’s family. I know that perhaps my presence is to show face and appear like everything is kosher and copacetic, when we all know the truth.
I felt it when i went to visit my mother and her husband a few months ago and i feel it now. the mom i want(ed) her to be will never be. She will always be the church mother who dishes out scripture and “just pray about it” for advice. She’s the church mother who has to be involved with missionary work, bible study, the choir, the deaconesses, the women’s auxiliary and everything else. Just. like. Grandma.
Is it too much to ask to have a mom who will share a glass of wine with me on our birthdays? Is it too much to ask to have a mom who will comfort me when I’m feeling like shit? Is it too much to ask to just have a fucking conversation without her shutting down or brushing me off?
To be honest, for her, I think I am asking too much. Before I hit 6th grade we were two peas in a pod. Before Papa died I had the mom i wanted and needed. Something happened. And I have no idea what.
My brother is probably the most stubborn bullheaded person I know which somewhat says a lot cuz I’m an overly stubborn person.
But sometimes he can be so completely asinine with his stubbornness. I call it the Cartman Complex. Certainly you guys have watched South Park before right? The little fatty who’s so completely rude, self-centered and diabolical to everyone. The one who screams “respect my authoritah.” Is it ringing a bell now? No? Let’s look at exhibit A.
Now?! Thought so.
I love my brother dearly but my brother often tries to make his daughters do and be what he would like them to be. The youngest will be graduating from high school next year. She, my brother and I were on the phone about two weeks ago and she explained to my brother than she’d like to go to a HBCU. I’m thinking oh heeeeey that’s great. She even said she was thinking about being a lawyer which again made me oh so proud. I’d be proud anyway but that is beside the point.
Here I was trying to be supportive and offer advice and whatnot buuuuuuuuut my brother wasn’t having any of that. He even went as far to say that she wasn’t going out-of-state for school. Sigh here we go.
I say let her decide where she wants to go. But my brother doesn’t want the girls to be too far from him which I understand but he’s being unreasonable. Lemme explain.
When I say he is dead set against youngest going anywhere outside of California, I mean he was pitching a damn fit. Every time she mentioned a school outside of Cali he made sure to say no you not going to that school. But why I’d ask. What’s wrong with any of the schools she’d mention? His only answer was they not in California.
The fuck?! That’s not a reasonable excuse. But it was the only one he needed to know and hear. I know I’m not the one paying for her education but I seriously dislike the fact my brother is being such a royal pain about it. It isn’t fair to make your kid live the life you did or wanted to live. The girls don’t have all the same interests as my brother obviously but at the same time I ish he was more open to hear what they have to say about how they live their lives.
Again I’m not paying for their education nor do I have children or understand what go s into raising a child much alone two very head strong young ladies who’d I’m sure would give me a run fa all my little scruples. Nonetheless I do hope my brother comes around a bit and will be open to listening to my niece instead of exercising his Cartman Complex.
Thanks for reading…
SOOO you’ve reached a month into your 15th year of life. How does it feel? If you’re anything like your dear ol’ birth mom then you’re itching to get your driver’s license. Buuuuut I’m pretty sure your mom and dad are not quite ready for that. I know, no one in the family was ready for me to drive for real. I see your side eye young lady… I grew up in the country and have been driving since the ripe old age of 5. Yaaaaas five years old. Your great-grandfather had me driving our old tractor when I was a kindergartner. And when I was nine, I graduated to my mom’s old Chevette. I’m sure you dunno nada about either of those things. You’re the city slicker I’ve always said I was when in actuality I’m just a citified country girl.
Yes I’m rambling. I sorry. I’ll get back on track.
Sigh to be fifteen again. I got into a lot of trouble between my fifteenth year of life. Hell you almost arrived 6 years ahead of when you were born. Considering I was in high school at the time, you being here would have been an even bigger challenge but I know you would’ve been loved immensely and spoiled absolutely rotten. Perhaps more than I would have liked but I know in my heart of hearts I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. But that’s neither here nor there now. That was a (@&$)#&_@#&)@&%)#&$@) years ago.
It is my hope you’re not as completely rotten as I was in high school. Hell, I probably wasn’t as terribly rotten as some teenagers you hear about on the news nowadays. But for that time and our family, I was a little TOO rebellious. It was a different time then. I know by saying that I sound incredibly old which i ain’t so don’t go tryna call me old but life wasn’t lived out in the open then. Being that the family was possibly still is very religious and very conservative, everything I did was examined under a microscope. Nothing was of my own. Nothing was really “oh she’s just being a kid or experimenting with life.” Everything was “how could you? What were you thinking? Do you know how this makes me look?” Sigh… gawd I hope the family treats you differently. I hope to GOD they allow you to be your own person and allow to make a decision without the world and the sky for that matter falling harshly on your shoulders.
I hope you’re enjoying your fifteenth year of life so far baby girl. It’s just the beginning of the most wonderful time in your life outside of college. You learn so much about yourself in high school. You start to figure out what you like and dislike. You’re introduced to subjects that might fuel your decision in a college major. You start to figure out which of your friends are really your ride or die. The world is literally your oyster and I hope your parents allow you to experience that wholeheartedly but within reason of course since you’re a minor.
Don’t try to grow up too fast either. I think you know what I mean by that. reread the third paragraph You have all the time in world to be and do adult type thangs. Like when you’re eighteen. Please when you’re eighteen. I remember how my mom was throughout my high school years. I remember all the “talking to” I’d get because I wanted to be curious and of world. Yes teenagers are going to do what they do anyway regardless of who tells them anything. But if you were with me today, I’d be sure to be open and honest with you about what life could and should possibly be. I wouldn’t hide behind my fears of you finding out for yourself from sources that may not have your best interest at heart.
I would use my experiences to educate you and let you know this, this and that as well as that can happen. So many things I would do differently from my mom. So many conversations as mother and daughter instead of nothing at all. Ni modo. Perhaps one day we’ll be able to talk about everything under the sun.
Until then… i love you dearly baby girl. hope you’re doing well.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
I started this post as a mild “in your face you ratchet closed minded religious conservatives” type rant. I was so completely and utterly caught up in the moment in other words I was in my usual wickedly horrible unpredictable “think before I do or say” mode. I fiercely typed out my rant as I sat waiting for my oil to be changed at the Jiffy Lube. I let word after word flow from my pseudo political activist brain through my long piano fingers to my WordPress app on my iPhone 5s.
I didn’t care about the possibility of the person sitting so close to my right being able to read every word I typed in my post. I didn’t care whether or not he was a supporter of the LGBTiQ community. I caught the writing bug and I needed to release everything before I lost it. Unfortunately, I didn’t finish the said previous rant like version of this post; which perhaps might have been a good thing.
To be completely honest, even as I am now starting to write the thirteenth version of this post, I still cannot find the words to say about the U.S. Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage. I can say that I’m overjoyed that high court ruled in favor of same-sex marriage not because I’m a huge fan of marriage but because I feel like everyone should be able to choose for themselves whether or not to live in matrimony and misery. It made me happy to know that once and for all the great country I’m proud to be a citizen of would finally progress into the 21st Century. That all persons born in or become naturalized citizens of this country would indeed be granted all basic freedoms equally and protected under the law regardless of who or what a person claims to be.
Boy was I delusional and jumping the gun.
I forgot where I live. I forgot what type of family I came from. I didn’t think about any of those aspects until I saw my sister’s Instagram post Saturday afternoon. I didn’t think about her still being as close minded as the religious conservatives who run the State of Texas. I thought we were past the bigotry. I thought she had evolved and opened her mind.
I thought wrong!
Picture it. It’s a sunny Saturday afternoon. I’m not really doing much. Just lying around as I normally do. I logged into my Instagram for the umpteenth time that day and I see this:
I honestly wasn’t surprised by this post because deep down, I already knew she felt this way. I already knew that the battle I had with her way back when would somehow revive Itself I just didn’t know when or how.
I’m not going to bash my sister for her beliefs as she is very much entitled to her opinions and is free to express them however and whenever she pleases. She’s grown and fully capable of making up her own mind. Who am I to stifle her beliefs and thought processes? Who am I to reject her for who and what she is even though she rejects who and what I am?
You guys weren’t expecting that were you? Read between the lines and move on.
I’ve never been the type of person to flaunt who or what I am flamboyantly. I’m very much an advocate for being and staying incognegro at all times. I speak when I have something to say or when I’m around people who make me feel safe and at peace. I’m just a girl who wants more than anything in this world to be accepted for who she is as a person. I do not wish to be chastised for being different or for not fitting into a stereotypical mold someone who knows nada about me places me in. I do not wish to surround myself with folks who says one thing to my face and another behind my fucking back. For me, that is a deal breaker in any relationship.
So imagine my dilemma having a sister who feels and believes one way and me another especially when it comes to the LGBTiQ community. Imagine not being able to trust whether or not what your ‘best friend’ of 20+ years is really and truly your best friend and biggest fan. Imagine having a rush of loneliness engulfing your every being because now you don’t know who you can be your authentic self around. This is the absolute worst feeling in this world.
This feeling isn’t just my own but is shared by thousands LGBTiQ persons everywhere. Religious conservatives wish to prevent anyone who does not fit into their conservative Christian mold from enjoying the same freedoms they take so much pride in. The conservatives feel homosexuality and same-sex marriage are abominations in the eyes of The Lord. They say God is saddened by the SCOTUS decision. They say that same-sex marriage will ruin the sanctity of marriage and will send the wrong message to children. Yet the divorce rate among heterosexuals is constantly increasing. Yet there are sick and perverted men, like Josh Duggar, who are straight and active in the church that molest young girls. There are straight men and women who have sexually transmitted diseases who don’t give a fuck about who they infect.
I’m so incredibly tired of religious conservatives using God and the Bible to justify and rationalize their blatant discrimination against the LGBTiQ community. How do we even know for sure if God is angered by homosexuality? Did God tell you so? How can a deity that stands for love and understanding possibly be upset when we were ALL created by the same person? Certainly when God created the human race, he (or she) knew who and/or what each individual would be when we grew up. Certainly a God of love would love us all the same and not pick and choose who is worthy of his or her love and mercy. Isn’t that why Jesus preferred to be with the sinner than the person who thought he or she knew it all? Is that not why the Bible says love thy neighbor as ye would be loved?
I have an extremely difficult time believing that God punishes us solely because of what we are. I refuse to believe that a book written thousands of years ago by man is the end all be all of human existence. Yes, there are passages that can provide comfort and peace for any situation but at the same time, these stories were written in a time that is not our own. We don’t know the entire context of the stories of the Old Testament to take them as literal as religious conservatives do. And yet these are the passages we teach our children. How can we expect the future to behave as God would have them to if we teach them that God only loves a certain type of person? God, at least the one I’ve understood to exist and grew up learning about, loves us all the same. Regardless if a person is gay or straight; black, white, red or purple; male or female; sinned or sinless; love is love and it should be shared by all and not just to a privileged few.
You are officially three months away from your fifteenth birthday and and maybe two and a half months to the start of your freshman year of high school.
I know you’re not with me. I know I’ve missed your entire life but you’re still my baby. You’re still very much a huge part of my life. You’re the reason why I make certain decisions. Why I try to position myself on a path to propel my career because as I’ve mentioned before, I want you to be proud of me. I want you to understand why I had to make the decisions I made when you were born and throughout my life.
I assure you I’m doing my best to not make giving you up for adoption seem selfish or in vain, even though I’m out sure there’s anything I could really do to remedy that. I’ve imagined our first meeting over and over and over again. Each time it was a different scenario. Each time I felt even more uncertain about your reaction than the previous time. I know I can’t do that to myself but it’s what I think about. It’s what I feel. It’s what I imagine when my co worker talks about her daughter.
One day we’ll meet. And I’ll totally ill prepared for the moment. I’ll fumbled over my words. Probably curse waaaay more than you’re use to with your parents. I apologize now baby girl. Yo mama curse like an effn sailor! It’ll be awkward because I’m slightly awkward and weird. Perhaps we’ll bond on the similarities of our personality. Perhaps this meeting if it happens will be less scary than I’m anticipating. Perhaps just perhaps you won’t be as angry and hurt as I have made myself to believe.
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