The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter VIII

Fuck yea there’s more everything where this job is concerned. And the best part….

NO MUTHA FUCKIN MCFLY!!!

You daaaaaaamn right!

Well keep me posted homie.

Will do dawg… Oh. Well. Fuck. Mcfly alert. I can never get a break from this bitch. Lemme go handle her ass and I’ll message you when I hear something.

Aight…

 

 

Mcfly gon find herself abruptly without an employee if she don’t get her act together. It’s unfortunate but you just can’t treat people like shit and expect them to be loyal fo-ev-a.

I suppose I should actually do some work today but as usual I don’t wanna!

Harper, you talk to Shawty Lo lately?

Nah it’s been a few weeks.

I meant to send an email but I keep forgetting.

Set a reminder. Or do it now while it’s fresh on your mind.

This is why I keep you around Harper. LOL

Nah you keep me cuz you’d be lost without me.

That too!

Tap
Tap

Click
Click

Waddup Shawty Lo! How’s it hangin’? Haven’t seen or talked to you in a minute. Hope alls well and you ain’t tried to ahem hurt nobody on the overnights. Holla at me when you get a chance. Xa

Okay done. Thanks Harper!

Anytime…

 

FUCK! Why is it already 11:30? Shit! Lemme stop bullshittin and do some work!

 

 

Ugh today is going to be one of those fuck it days. I have absolutely no desire to be productive or do anything but watch videos on YouTube and do some desk chair twerking.

I pity the person who wants me to do any kind of work today cuz they ain’t gettin shiiiiiit outta me. At least nothing of quality.

So I put my Skullcandy earphones in and turned on some Pitbull. Papi chulo will get me going this morning fo sho.

Ahora que si, esa hevita esta enterita tiene tremendo CULO!
esta tan linda, esta tan rica, tiene tremendo CULO!
que rica chiquita, pero que importa si tiene tremendo CULO!
Has me el favor y meneate chica tienes tremendo CULO!

 

¡DALE!

Oh it’s a Pitbull kinda day huh Xa?!

Huh? Whachu say Harper?

You’re screaming ¡Dale! again. You listening to Pitbull again.

Hahahaha uh huh I have to stop singing out loud so much!

Bored?

No just feeling restless and lazy. Thinking about the whole ordeal with Curly.

Why?! You said you weren’t tryna get in trouble today.

I ain’t. Just thankin ya know?

Uh huh don’t get carried away nah. You know you prone to gettin in trouble.

I know Harper I know.

I couldn’t help but think about it tho. Shit like that don’t happen that often. I’m cute and all but fahn ass girls like that don’t talk to me. She reminded me of so many people rolled into one beautiful and curvy package.

FUCK! I didn’t even check to see if my jump drive was in my case. I reached over to my bag, pulled out my iDevice case and opened it.

When I went to open it, I noticed there was a piece of paper with writing on it. I pulled the piece of paper out and placed it to the side. I’ll come back to you in a sec.

I dug further into the case and found the jump drive. whew! I really need to start putting this thing in my bag instead of my case.

I looked over at the note. The handwriting wasn’t recognizable so it had to be Curly’s handwriting. It damn sho wasn’t Bae’s.

As I reached over to take a closer look at the note, I hear click clack rhythm of Cupcakes’ heels.

Fuck! I don’t like her tone. Hard and quick ::snickering:: that’s what she said steps. She must be pissed off about something.

Fuck fuck fuck!! I sat motionless trying to figure out which way she was going. I really don’t like her tone!!! That shit thur is skerry!

I sat up slightly and peeped slyly over my cubicle wall. Where she go? Her door is open and office lights are on. Mutha fucker she in ninja mode. Greeeeeeeaaaaaat!

 

I quickly IMed CheddaHed.

Yoooo homie!

Suuuuup!

Other chat plz.

Aight…

Waddup yo

Where Cupcakes go?

She hur?

Lmao damn dude you never notice shit until it’s in yo damn face.

Ma bad!

Ugh c’mon dude I need you to pay attention. I heard da tone in ya girl’s walk.

That’s what that was. Shit I heard that too.

Smh you heard that but didn’t see her. You’re sitting at the station by her door today.

I know but you know my attention span.

::rolling my eyes:: ugh I know. As usual you ain’t no dern help.

Hahaha ma bad I’ll keep my eye out for her. Or maybe I’ll just go in there and keep her company.

The hell you will! Yo ass needs to stay where Wolverine can keep an eye on you. You go in thur you gon try to boo up.

You don’t…. Okay so maybe you right. Don’t judge me.

Smh your affinity for power and heels is dangerous you know that right!?

Yeah I know. Aheh heh heh.

Ratchet ass!

Hahahahahahahaha I really can’t stand you right now!

Hahahaha What I do?!

We dun here!

The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter VII

I can’t wait to hear more of this novella. One of these days I’m need you to write a book about your ahehe heh heh “adventures”.

LOL!

Seriously Phoenix. They’re so sporadic and crazy. Definitely worth a shot!

Perhaps…

So CT was cute huh?

Oooh yaaaah!

Phoenix! Come back to me! LOL Phoenix!

Huh what? What happened? LOL

By this time, I was laughing so hard my tummy hurt because Phoenix and I are the same person at times. So I already know the level of trouble this could potentially turn into.

For Phoenix’s sake I hope it’s E P I C.

Phoenix and I continue to talk about random things as well usually do.

As I’m talking to Phoenix, a message from Sam pops up.

Mcfly alert! Mcfly alert!

Good gawd what could she have done now.

Waddup dawg?! What that triflin ass hoe do NOW?

What didn’t that bitch do?

True. True…

So check it.. how bout she tried pinning yet another one of her fuck up’s on me. And how bout the fuck up she made was due to the project management group two weeks ago.

Hold up dawg! Two weeks ago?!

Oh no this shit gets better…

it can’t get better.. this shit has cluster fuck written all over it.

How bout she asked me to lead another bullshit conference call about some shit I have no background on that prolly could have been easily talked about in the last bullshit conference call at 09:45 this morning.

Um #chokeamuthafuqnhoe! When da fuck you gettin out from under that hoe. (no pun intended)

Xa, you know I’ve been applying for shit left and right and hoein myself out to companies more than I do for sex.

Yeah dawg I know. I know. Speaking of… have you heard from that one company you were really excited about?

Fuck nah! I even sent that damn inquiry you red marked pillaged me about.

LMAO! I dun told you I’m a writing nazi.

You sho da fuck are asshole!

I’m just tryna make you look good dawg! What about that restaurant chain you interviewed with? The one your non-sexual sugarboo hooked you up with?

Oh shit dawg I didn’t tell you. So the hiring manager was more hype than red bull giving a n***a wings.

LMMFAO nu uh dawg shut up.

Nah fa realz dawg… She talked so fuckin fast I didn’t know what was up from down left from right.

Perhaps Red Bull should lay off the sauce mayne. That or get on some hard liquor.

Nah dawg she ain’t on red bull. She gots meds to take.

Oh well fuck! You went from a crazy clueless airhead bitch who dunno shit to a psycho! That’s just greeeeeeat!

Shut up Xa Red Bull seems chill. Far better than Mcfly.

Sam! C’mon nah! You know ain’t nobody is worse than Mcfly. Well except that drug dealer loving always wanna be on a random piece of chocolate hoe in the desert office.

Ain’t that the damn mutha fucking truth. That nasty dumbass is a piece of fucking work and I’m NOT looking forward to seeing that hoe when I go see the homies in a couple of days.

Make sure to take some Lysol when you go dawg. Disinfect E’RYTHANG that hoe touches.

You sho mutha fuckin right! Let me add that shit to the list nah!

LOL so back to the restaurant interview. What’s next in the process? This was the second interview right?

Yeah dawg it was the second and the HR person is supposed to call today to lemme know where I stand. Everyone on the interview panel seemed impressed with me and the mock ups I presented during the first interview.

My dawg! Gettin’ the fuck off the plantation.

Well, I’m still the only darkie in the bunch but they seem to love a n***a so who am I to say no right?

You sho right dawg especially if there’s a chance to make more and have more creative freedom.

Fuck yea there’s more everything where this job is concerned. And the best part….

NO MUTHA FUCKIN MCFLY!!!

You daaaaaaamn right!

Well keep me posted homie.

Will do dawg… Oh. Well. Fuck. Mcfly alert. I can never get a break from this bitch. Lemme go handle her ass and I’ll message you when hear something.

Aight…

The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter VI

I ain’t da four year old… Wolverine is the child! Ima grown ass….

Two year old!

Shut it Harper!

We all laugh.

You are about as bad as CheddaHed is with cupcakes.

Harper and I peek over the cubicles towards the Xerox machine. There was CheddaHed pretending not to hear us.

Man! Like you don’t be checking the same thang I do.

You right!

We all laugh again.

We go back to our perspective cubicles and/or desks and commence the ceremonial dragging of our feet to actually doing work. I log onto my computer, open my Outlook and behind scoffing at the million and three emails I seem to always have in my inbox.

Click… Delete…

Click

Click

Tap

Tap tap tap

Harper, did you answer the email from so and so?

Uh huh did you not get it?

Oh ma bad there it is! Right under the forty thousand other ones. Thanks.

I put my headphones in and settle in for some desk tweaking.

Ding goes my Google hangouts app in Chrome.

It’s Phoenix.

Morning Xa! How are you?

Morning Phoenix! Ooooooh the morning I’ve had so far. How you durn?

Oh? Adventurous? LOUD? Or traffic related?

Oh you know LOUD and adventurous of course.

Whachu do?

LOL why do I always have to do something?

Because you’re related to me and I know you too well.

This is true. But for once I was trying to behave myself. Dat guh was fahn but I couldn’t go down that road today.

*raised eyebrow* you? Behave? Was she curly?

Yes, yes and of course.

And you behaved?

I did Phoenix I promise. I totally didn’t want to cause or get into any trouble today.

LOL today!

Ugh everyone keeps saying that. Am I truly this ratchet and rotten?

Do you really want me to answer that Xa?

Lmfao NOPE! Not in the least bit Phoenix. Okay so enough about your troublesome sibling. How’s you?

Well…

Uh huh what YOU do Phoenix?

So I went to pick up dinner the other night after work. And I was in line waiting and started singing the song playing in the restaurant. Well this fahn piece of chocolate complimented me on my singing. Asked if I was a vocal coach or sung professionally.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaas! I smell one of your novellas coming on.

You’re funny.

Dude, you know you meet all kinds of people all the time and have even better stories about some of them.

This is true.

Okay so what happened with chocolate thunder?

LOL!! Well let me say that chocolate thunder seemed like a youngen.

Ain’t nothing wrong wit that. If you got it flaunt it!

Well I sorta showed my age and said the song that was playing was out when I was a teenager. But without missing too many beats, we just kept talking about old skool music.

That’s awesome. So was CT tall dark and sexy? And are you going to see CT again?

Yeeees and I hope so! CT works at the gelato place a few doors down from the restaurant. And you know how I feel about gelato.

Mmmmm gelato…. Mmmhmm I know cuz I have the same lust for it! hehehehe I think you should go get some after work one day.

Come now you already know I am and will go get some.

*snickering* I’m so incredibly rotten. Mind. In. Gutta!

Your mind is always in the gutta. That ain’t nothing new.

Ma bad I know. evil grin

Phoenix is prolly laughing at me right now.

I can’t wait to hear more of this novella. One of these days I’m need you to write a book about your ahe heh heh “adventures”.

LOL!

Seriously Phoenix. They’re so sporadic and crazy. Definitely worth a shot!

Perhaps…

So CT was cute huh?

Oooh yaaaah!

Phoenix! Come back to me! LOL Phoenix!

Huh what? What happened? LOL

By this time, I was laughing so hard my tummy hurt because Phoenix and I are the same person at times. So I already know the level of trouble this could potentially turn into. For Phoenix’s sake I hope it’s E P I C.

The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter V

Cupcakes!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha ugh shut up!

I’m just sayin!

I finished making my Indian joe. CheddaHed grabbed a snack from the vending machine and we walked into the office. Chatty Cathy and his ugly sister were yap yap yapping away about the stupid game they’ve been playing for the last few weeks.

 

CheddaHed gives me that “sonofabitch why can’t they shut up” look to which my response was to roll my eyes as usual and go to my desk.

 

Today was definitely going to be interesting.

With my Indian Joe in hand, I walk the short remaining distance to my cubicle. Ugh I really need to clean up my desk. It looks like a teenager’s room.

Morning Harper Lee.

Hey Xa, how’s it going?

Oh you know me.

Whachu do now?

Why…. Ugh… Don’t go giving me that parental look and tone. You don’t know me.

Oh but I do know you which is why you got the parental tone AND look. Now whachu do?

LOL so wha ha happened was….

Here we go!

Ugh whaaaaat Harper? LOL don’t judge me so soon dang!

Mmmm hmm

Soooo anyway… So there was this girl…

Harper starts laughing just as much as CheddaHed did. I gets no love from the homies today!

She had curly hair didn’t she?

How you know? How do you ALWAYS know? Geeezus I need to stop spilling my guts to you.

Just as I said that here comes Wolverine.

How’s it going?

Xa was just telling me about a curly haired girl.

What’s with you and curly chicks?

I can’t help that I love curly hair. It’s attractive..

But every girl you come across has curly hair.

I dunno! Call it a strange and completely sane fetish!

::raised eyebrows::

What?!

You not normal.

You da one to talk Wolverine.

Whachu mean? I’m perfectly normal and of average size.

Hahahahahahahaha that’s not what she said.

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Harper, how do you sit next to Xa?

With headphones of course.

What? I’m not that….

Yes you are that bad. Every time we work together, your filthy mind somehow turns the conversation durty.

Obviously, I’m not the only one cuz you be laughing right along with me.

Hahahahaha that’s beside the point.

You just mad cuz you walked right into that one.

Ugh finish your story already…

Yes! Sorry Harper! So this girl… I met her at the dealer…

Lemme guess she had long light brown curly hair.

Blink

She was a little shorter than you. Very pretty but very girl next door like…

Blink blink

She made you nervous cuz you always get nervous around the curly haired girls especially if they’re the attractive athletic/fit type.

What the fuck? Y’all don’t know me…

Oh but we do. You creature of profuse habit.

I… Ugh but….

::hysterical loud laughter::

Y’all some bustas! What if I told you this girl was different?

Aren’t they always Xa?

Are they? This one tried to seduce me.

Okay maybe she’s different.

Long story short, I left my iDevice case at the dealer when she sat down next to me, she came after me to return it, she propositioned me, said Bae didn’t have to know which is when I snatched the case and ran.

Bae gon geeeeeeeeet you!

Nah Bae ain’t gon get me today, Wolverine. Not today you hur me?!

I grabbed my letter opener and started tapping the desk.

Damn Harper, why Xa always gotta result to violence?!

Because Xa is crazy and deranged like you. Stop acting brand new.

I’m not crazy per se…

::side eye::

Okay maybe a little.

N
E
Ways

Curly was fahn as hell but maaaaaan she was a bit too forward and a bit too willing to rattle my cage.

LOL I bet she was aheh heh heh

Well ya know me homie… aheh heh heh

You two are a mess!

Oh Harper you should be accustomed to us acting up.

Yeah I know like a pair of four year old churrin at a candy store.

I ain’t da four year old… Wolverine is the child! Ima grown ass….

Two year old!

Shut it Harper!

We all laugh.

You are about as bad as CheddaHed is with cupcakes.

Harper and I peek over the cubicles towards the Xerox machine. There was CheddaHed pretending not to hear us.

Man! Like you don’t be checking the same thang I do.

You right!

We all laugh again.

The Chronicles of Xavier LD Monroe: Chapter IV

Come on elevator ooooooopen already. Finally dammit. Slowest two flight elevator ride EVER!

Have a good day!

Yeah you too see you around.

Not if I see you first McSteamy.

Married spud ma-rr-ied spud! Lawd help me today!

I scurried out of the elevator like a four year old needing to potty. Of all the days for trouble to rear its fugly little head around me! Usually, I’m up for it. Hell usually I’m the one causing it but TODAY… Today I wanted no part of any type of trouble. For once in my damn life, I wanna be good!

like i know what being good actually means anymore!

I make my way to the break room painted in a fugly burnt orange color. Of all the damn colors to paint a damn break room. Nobody cares about UTip!

Since Curly ran me abruptly out of the dealer, I didn’t get to finish my ceremonial cup of joe which means I will have to settle for the shit the company provides. Crack is NOT suppose to make a person cranky and irritable. This mess is a mood changer and not in a good way. Thankfully, there are some crackish rebels who sometimes make quality joe for everyone.

To my dismay, the crackish rebels either were not at work yet, at all or ran out of their stash. I’m not drinking that shit. I refuse! Sigh a nice hot cup of Indian joe it is today. As I was making my Indian joe, the homie CheddaHed walked into the break room.

We give the ceremonial cholo hello.

Wassup!

You on your fifteen already? It’s only 08:50. Oh wait is Chatty Cathy and his ugly sister talking all loud as usual.

::eye roll:: You already know.

Ugh those two chismosos are worse than females at times.

Tell me about it! Chatty Cathy walked in talking up a storm.

It don’t make no damn sense. Don’t he know there are people in the office who like it quiet! I say QUIET!!

Okay!

Sooooo how bout I almost got myself in trouble this morning.

With Bae?

Nope… At the dealer…

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa? Who was she?

Whoa

whoa

whoa… How you know it was a girl?

Cuz it’s always a girl!

Shut up CheddaHed I learned it by watching you!! Member blonde, heels and booty!

Nu uh you…. Okay maybe…

 

We both laugh.

 

 

N e wayz so there was fahn curly haired girl at the dealer this morning.

Oh! She had curly hair. No wonder you almost got in trouble.

Shut it! Don’t judge me!

You and Harper Lee are some suckas for da curly cues.

Shut. It! Ugh! I can’t help ma self. Anyway so how bout she came to sit next to me after she got her coffee. How bout I never had a heart attack cuz I just knew she was gone be more trouble than I wanted to be in this morning.

 

 

By this time, CheddaHed is laughing at me. As usual.

 

 

Bae gon get you know that right.

Not if you keep yo big mouf shut. You supposed to be on my side member?

Oh! Right! Ma bad continue please. Whachu do?

Ran da fuck out!

Nu uh

Sho did! Packed my shyte and ran up outta thur so fast I left my iDevice case.

 

 

Now CheddaHed is laughing harder.

 

 

Ugh stop laughing mayne this was a mildly traumatizing experience for me!

LOL you’re all dramatic!

Well I haven’t even gotten to the best part!

There’s more to this?

Yep! She chased me down in her cute little Mini Cooper to return my iDevice case.

Wait… Stop! Curly chased you down?! How she know whachu dri…? Never mind your truck is like thunder when it starts how could she not know.

Yep and precisely! We pulled into a parking lot so I could get my case. For whatever reason, she took her sweet ass time to give me back my case. I stared her down like “c’mon already” to which she just smiled seductively and handed it over.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

You won’t be laughing in a minute… She hit on me and said Bae didn’t have to know what we did.

Yeah that’s what I thought. You ain’t laughing nah huh?

So fahn ass Curly hit on you and you did what?

::snickering:: Ran of course!! I dun told you before I ain’t tryna get in trouble with Bae nor do I want the added drama.

True dat! Damn! You always have something crazy to tell me in the morning. First the peeper at the gym and now Curly.

Yeah I know. Again I learned it from watching you.

Naaaaaaah you ain’t learned that from me!

Cupcakes!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha ugh shut up!

I’m just sayin!

I finished making my Indian joe. CheddaHed grabbed a snack from the vending machine and we walked into the office. Chatty Cathy and his ugly sister were yap yap yapping away about the stupid game they’ve been playing for the last few weeks.

 

CheddaHed gives me that “sonofabitch why can’t they shut up” look to which my response was to roll my eyes as usual and go to my desk.

 

Today was definitely going to be interesting.