Dearest Daughter: 17 years exactly

happy birthday baby girl!

my gawd you’re 17 and a junior in high school. i’m not sure how we got to this point so fast. i’m not sure i’m even ready for you to be at this point of your life. haha what am i saying… i’m NEVER reay for you to become a year older and three more steps to college. my friend has a daughter who is four months younger than you and we sort of mildly cry together at the fact our babies (i know you’re not a baby anymore) are so grown now.

i cry at the fact that i’m missing everything. not that i want this post to be a pity party about me and my feelings but i miss you so much baby girl. i wish with all my heart i could meet you. i wish i could tell you that i’m sorry for not stepping up to be the mom i know now i could have been. ohh if i knew then what i know now. so many aspects of our lives would be different. i like to hope that you would be everything that you are now… but that’s neither here nor there.

the fact of the matter is that there isn’t a single day that you’re not on my mind. there isn’t a day that i don’t see or hear something that reminds me of you. i still remember every aspect of the day you were born. i remember all the emotions i felt in those moments and how in love i was when i first laid eyes on you.

you are my light at the end of the tunnel baby girl. you give me life when i don’t think i deserve one or even have a life to live. i know it’s hard to understand what i mean but everything i do is to make you proud. to show that everything hasn’t been done in vain. my boss tells me that i can’t put that pressure on myself. that you’ll love me no matter what. but the fact of the matter is i don’t know what the family has told you about me. i don’t know what you do (or will) think of me if and when we finally meet.

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anyway… i should end this before i start crying in the middle of starbucks.

happy birthday mi mariposa. i hope this day brings you so much joy, laughter, many many blessings and wonderful surprises.

i love you always and forever and ever and ever…

❤ mami

Dearest Daughter: 15 years 4 months (exactly)

Dearest Daughter,

First, lemme say Happy New Year! Hope the first fifteen days of 2016 have been going well for you.

Secondly, I’d like to apologize for not writing for so long. I don’t want to make up any excuses so I’ll just say I’m sorry. I must’ve started a letter two or three times a month and never finished it. I cannot promise I won’t miss anymore but at least you know I’m trying to make an effort.

Soooooo it’s been a rather long three months. Lemme think… what have you missed?

OH! Well you have a new cousin. Born September 25th. He’s the cutest little chunky monkey. He’s got big o’ cheeks and ham hocks for legs. How I wish you could meet him. You’d just fall in love. He makes my heart sing when your Auntie sends me pictures.

Speaking of cousins, I finally met one of your other cousins on his 5th birthday in November. He’s just as adorable in person as he is in his pictures. His little glasses makes him look so darn handsome. Your other aunt sent a text the other day and said he has pink eye and a respiratory infection. Poor baby! Hopefully he feels better soon.

Oh you’re gonna have a new cousin in March. My BabySis is pregnant with her first child. We’re all very excited about this baby.

Okay that’s all for the baby/cousin updates. You have more cousins that I can count. And I’m sure on your biological dad’s side there are even more. Speaking of your biological dad, your older brother just turned 16 in December. It’s pretty crazy thinking about the two of you because you’re so close in age. But I pray that one day you’ll be able to meet.

Have you started school yet? I know you’re going to a private school so I’m not certain if you start the spring semester at the same time as the public schools here. Hopefully school is going well and that you’re keeping up with your classes and homework.

I hope and pray you’re doing well baby girl. I miss you more than I can even stand. Every time my co worker talks about her daughter and niece, who are only but four months and days younger than you, a part of me just melts. I wonder what kind of relationship we would have. I wonder if I would be a good mom to you and give you a good life. Sometimes it’s just hard to think about you because in the back of my mind I still feel like I’ve failed you.

Anyway… I should sign off before I start bawling in the middle of Starbucks.

Hope you have a wonderful day baby girl. And please remember I love you I love you I love you!

Mami

Dearest Daughter: 14 years 7 months

Dearest Daughter,

In five very very short months, you’ll be fifteen years old and a freshman in high school. Lawd have murcy where did the time go? It seems like yesterday I was pregnant and fussing at you to stop treating me like a soccer ball. Of course, I don’t know why I would fuss because you wouldn’t listen and if you did, it only lasted for a few minutes. I swear you were practicing for the Women’s FIFA World Cup.

Speaking of those endless soccer matches, do you like and/or play sports? If you do like sports, please tell me that you dislike the Dallas Cowgirls. I know you grew up there but it would just break my little football loving heart if you liked the Cowgirls. Yes, you’re entitled to like whatever team you like but to know you and I could possibly share the same loathing for the Cowgirls would me so very happy. *wink wink*

All jokes aside, I can’t help but wonder how many similarities we share.

For example, I absolutely love to cook. One of my dreams is to have a huge gourmet kitchen and spacious dining room so I can host dinner parties. I’m no Susie Homemaker but there is something very comforting about cooking and sharing one’s kitchen creations with other people. Plus it would be nice to pass down recipes to you and your siblings if and when they will come someday. Unfortunately, my baking expertise is more limited than Tony Romo’s ability to take the Cowgirls to another Super Bowl. yaaaaaaaaaaaaas i had to throw that one in I’m not a bad baker but I’m not a pastry chef like your Uncle Anthony and your Aunt Eva (one of my best friends from high school). My tummy is rumbling just thinking about all their wonderful pastries.

What about singing and dancing? I can’t dance well but I’ll do anyway because I love it so much. My singing voice isn’t as good as it used to be. I try though.

I’m not going to even ask you about music. I imagine you and I would differ about music just as much as my co-worker and her daughter, who is four months younger than you, do. Just because you’re my child, I already see the sideways looks you’d give me about the music I listen to because I’d give your biological grandmother the exact same look. Whatever!

Oh baby girl so many questions yet I’m not sure when if ever they will be answered. Sometimes, I have to force myself not to think about you because I cry every other time I do. I see so many teenagers with their moms and/or dads and wonder. I wonder what you’re doing at that particular moment. I wonder how our relationship will be. I wonder if we’ll ever have any sort of relationship at all.

Truth be told I’m so incredibly scared to re-enter the family because I don’t want to hurt or confuse you. I’m afraid you will hate me for not keeping you. I’m afraid whatever answers I give to your questions won’t be enough. I’ve read way too stories about first meetings. Yes there are some good ones that end or progress happily but there are others that well… Those are the ones that scare me the most. No, I don’t know what the future will hold. And no, I can’t predict it. But that doesn’t mean I’m any less afraid.

Hopefully, if you ever read these “Dearest Daughter” letters, it’ll help you understand who I am and what you mean to me.

I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day.

When it’s cold outside I’ve got the month of May.

I guess you’d say

What can make me feel this way?

My girl (my girl, my girl)

Talkin’ ’bout my girl (my girl).

I love you always,

 

Mami

Happy 60th Birthday Mom!

Today, I just want to wish my mother a very happy and joyful milestone birthday. How I wish things were different between us. How I wish that I had enough balls to put aside my childish emotional grudges and go to her as my heart so desires. Yes I know I could easily change the situation. I’m grown enough to admit that. I’m grown enough to know that I need to let go of the past and forgive her and the rest of the family for everything said, done and not done the year my daughter was born. I know this.

But it’s hard. It’s sooooo incredibly hard to distinguish between doing what’s right and the emotions that have been with me for more than fourteen years. It’s hard to fight back the tears that burn down my cheeks when I think too much about my mother, my daughter and my mother’s family. It’s hard not hearing my mother’s voice on days like this when my heart is so full and heavy. It’s hard to distinguish between my childish heart and my adult mind.

I love my mother. Despite everything I’ve been through with my mother and her family, I love her to infinity and beyond. Boo doesn’t understand how I can still feel this way or how I can forgive them [my family] so easily. But what Boo doesn’t understand is that it hasn’t been easy to forgive. It isn’t easy to look at pictures of my mother and not cry or get angry or want to hurl objects around the room. The majority of the emotional roller coaster that is my heart stems from my family. It stems from not being able to speak my mind and be the strong outspoken LOUD woman I know myself to be today.

It. Ain’t. Easy. Yo!

The way I talk to you guys thanks for always listening btw is not how I talk to my family. I’m not The Southern Yankee, Lady Deathstrike, Angry Black Girl, or even my government name. I’m just a timid and quiet only child in a family full of adults.

Sigh… One day right?!

If you ever read this mommy, I love you! I love you so very much words cannot even describe. Yes I know we have our differences and yes we often have not seen eye to eye on almost everything. But you are my mom and my dad. You raised me by yourself and somehow made things happen when I’m sure you thought you couldn’t. Happy happy happy happy birthday! I hope this birthday and every other birthday brings you so much joy and laughter. That you are in good health and that God has blessed you beyond your years of life! ❤ your daughter

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee