I Came Here to Bitch

My mother sent the snarkiest most sarcastic email to me today. sometimes I wonder what i did to deserve my family. Granted, I’m proud to be a member of this family because my Papa was the mutha fuckin shit! buuuuuuut honestly, this whole passive aggressive shit they’ve dished out to me my whole damn life i’m almost fucking FORTY years old!!! yet I’m the one who needs/should cater to them forever and always.

Why? Why do I have to continue to make people happy who never seem to care whether or not I’m happy? it’s fucking September! My daughter will be 18 years old next Saturday and there’s nothing i can possibly do without opening a can of worms neither she or i are even ready to smell at this point.

I miss my kid with every fiber of my being. I’ve asked for updates. pictures. news even. hell i wouldn’t care if they told me that she took a poop. they promised so much and i got nada. and i know i made the choice to give her up for adoption to my aunt and uncle. i honestly and naively thought that i would be able to see her grow without anything “weird” happening between me and my family but it got weird. they got weird. and i walked away. hardest most depressing decision outside of giving her up i’ve ever made in my fucking life. and guess what?!?!?!?! i regret it all. as selfish as this sounds, i really do regret it. but hindsight is 20/20 and here we are 17 years, 11 months and 22 days later.  yeah i know I’m crying wolf waaaaaaay too late.

At what point, does this thing get easier?

I don’t ask for anything. I don’t want anything. all i want is this pain to go away. all i want is an opportunity to have the family I’ve wanted and needed my entire life. but as “in a perfect world” as that sounds, I know I won’t have that with my mother’s family. I know that perhaps my presence is to show face and appear like everything is kosher and copacetic, when we all know the truth.

I felt it when i went to visit my mother and her husband a few months ago and i feel it now. the mom i want(ed) her to be will never be. She will always be the church mother who dishes out scripture and “just pray about it” for advice. She’s the church mother who has to be involved with missionary work, bible study, the choir, the deaconesses, the women’s auxiliary and everything else. Just. like. Grandma.

Is it too much to ask to have a mom who will share a glass of wine with me on our birthdays? Is it too much to ask to have a mom who will comfort me when I’m feeling like shit? Is it too much to ask to just have a fucking conversation without her shutting down or brushing me off?

To be honest, for her, I think I am asking too much. Before I hit 6th grade we were two peas in a pod. Before Papa died I had the mom i wanted and needed. Something happened. And I have no idea what.

sigh…

Happy 60th Birthday Mom!

Today, I just want to wish my mother a very happy and joyful milestone birthday. How I wish things were different between us. How I wish that I had enough balls to put aside my childish emotional grudges and go to her as my heart so desires. Yes I know I could easily change the situation. I’m grown enough to admit that. I’m grown enough to know that I need to let go of the past and forgive her and the rest of the family for everything said, done and not done the year my daughter was born. I know this.

But it’s hard. It’s sooooo incredibly hard to distinguish between doing what’s right and the emotions that have been with me for more than fourteen years. It’s hard to fight back the tears that burn down my cheeks when I think too much about my mother, my daughter and my mother’s family. It’s hard not hearing my mother’s voice on days like this when my heart is so full and heavy. It’s hard to distinguish between my childish heart and my adult mind.

I love my mother. Despite everything I’ve been through with my mother and her family, I love her to infinity and beyond. Boo doesn’t understand how I can still feel this way or how I can forgive them [my family] so easily. But what Boo doesn’t understand is that it hasn’t been easy to forgive. It isn’t easy to look at pictures of my mother and not cry or get angry or want to hurl objects around the room. The majority of the emotional roller coaster that is my heart stems from my family. It stems from not being able to speak my mind and be the strong outspoken LOUD woman I know myself to be today.

It. Ain’t. Easy. Yo!

The way I talk to you guys thanks for always listening btw is not how I talk to my family. I’m not The Southern Yankee, Lady Deathstrike, Angry Black Girl, or even my government name. I’m just a timid and quiet only child in a family full of adults.

Sigh… One day right?!

If you ever read this mommy, I love you! I love you so very much words cannot even describe. Yes I know we have our differences and yes we often have not seen eye to eye on almost everything. But you are my mom and my dad. You raised me by yourself and somehow made things happen when I’m sure you thought you couldn’t. Happy happy happy happy birthday! I hope this birthday and every other birthday brings you so much joy and laughter. That you are in good health and that God has blessed you beyond your years of life! ❤ your daughter

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee