A Random Wordy Tuesday

I’d be lying if I said I hardly ever remember the small insignificant little aspects of my life. I’d be lying if I said those insignificant little aspects didn’t still have some sort of affect on me mentally as well as emotionally. I have issues with remembering shit and people at the most inconvenient of times. I have issues trusting and believing in the simplest of concepts.

My life is comprised of people who both inspire me to be the best I can be and those who I have yet to understand their purpose in my life. My heart yearns for the connections that could possibly be severed for life. I indulge in the what ifs and coulda woulda shoulda waaaaaay more than I really should. Not only is it unhealthy but these thoughts of inadequacy, insecurity and uselessness carried over to how I treat people. Which is unfair and unwarranted.

On a day I should be and part of me is happy, I’m reminded of the many opportunities I’m missing out on. On a day when I have a million fucking thangs to do at work, I’m sitting at the dealer protesting the necessity to leave right this second. On a day when I am obviously blessed to see the sun shining and the air against my face, I want nothing more than to be in bed with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s coffee Heath crunch, a slice of genuine New York cheesecake and some mega stuffed Oreos. don’t judge me!

I promise I’m not going through one of my bouts of depression. yeah I know I sound that way tho I just often have waaaaaay too much time to think. Random asinine thoughts flood my brain as if I ain’t got shit else to think about. the randomness of other people’s actions, opinions, personalities, style of dress, etc trigger a multitude of memories and emotions that I really don’t wanna deal with.

As I get older, the more I realize I want more outta life. I want the simple aspects of life. I want the “that would be the least of my problems” aspects of life instead of the “fuck! Not this bullshit again!” Is that asking too much outta life?

Perhaps I am. Perhaps the cliché “good things come to those that wait” is true but as my sis says “I’m getting too old for this shit!”

Thas for reading…

 

the southern yankee 

 

Separate but Equal

I’m having issues separating my emotions from the task at hand. Seriously folks, if I keep on the path, I’m on I’ll expend all my arrows on the small battles instead of saving them. And yes, I’m being cryptic for a reason but I just have to get some shit off ma chest for a minute.

Over the past two or three weeks, I’ve been trying without losing whatever tiny ounce of sanity I had left to complete a certain task that I’m convinced is the biggest thorn in my right ass cheek. Seriously mayne this shit is the worst! And I can’t even pass shit off on someone else. I may be over exaggerating a bit but trust me when I say April’s been the most stressful month of 2015 so far. Sigh and we still have six more days left in the month.

Fuuuuuuuuuck I am beginning to hate April. To make matters worse for me, I still have one more phase to complete which is the one I’ve been dreading the most. I’d lying when I say I didn’t think I had anything to worry about but again, I have serious issues separating my emotions from the tasks I need to complete. I know that in time it’ll get less difficult but I honestly don’t think this’ll ever be one of those things that’ll come second nature for me.

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee

Cutting the Umbilical Cord (sorta)

My brothers and I grew up separately; they lived in Southern California while I lived in Texas with my mother and her family. Four kids three mamas one sperm donor. To be fair, one of my brothers, RR, is my step brother. He escaped the emotional roller coaster that is Too Too Bing. But then again perhaps he didn’t escape because he was old enough to understand what was going on between he and my baby brother’s mother and Too Too.

It’s unfortunate enough as it is to be a product of a divorced couple. But when there are other mamas and kids involved it makes it harder. The explanations between why one parent isn’t around as much can get rather convoluted and crass. The amount of sugar coating is ridiculous and after a while, the level of respect for either parent goes completely out the window. At least it did for me.

At this point in our lives, my brothers and I all share the same love hate relationship for our mothers’ sperm donor. We love the bastard because he’s half the reason we even here. We can’t stand him because he was absent for most of our lives. Well lemme rephrase that… He was absent for the majority of my life but saw the boys a bit more often. Up until maybe a few and I use the term few loosely cuz I’m not certain years ago, my baby brother was on the bandwagon to get me to be on team “maybe we should give the old man a chance.”

It’s obvious it didn’t work because I never really gave him a chance. My father figure passed away when I was twelve. By the time I actually met Too Too Bing, I was already over the notion of being his daughter and he being something more than just my mother’s sperm donor. Harsh as it may sound, he’s just my mama’s baby daddy. Hell all our mamas’ baby daddy. Nothing more and certainly can’t get any less than that.

Imagine my surprise when my oldest brother told me that Too Too Bing called him out of the blue, while he was at work, and preceded to curse him the fuck out. Now when Too Too is on that bullshit which could be anything really he’s even dumber than he is sober. He said some thangs that pissed my brother smooth the fuck off. And of course my brother being MY brother, he said some thangs that I know hurt him to the very core of his being because I know my brother genuinely wants us all to be a “family.”

It’s understandable actually. My oldest brother and I grew up sorta the same way. Single mom and very low income. I don’t think we ever had to want for anything because our moms had families that loved us immensely. We also had grandfathers who treated us like we were their own. So we were lucky in that regard. But at the same time, that doesn’t make up for not having our actual biological father in our lives. That’s normal right?!

By the end of the conversation, my brother’s temper level was at a damn 150 when he needed to be at a 19. How he managed to stay at work is beyond me because I’m pretty sure I woulda needed a drank or a doobie I don’t smoke but hearing about the conversation certainly warranted something that strong right then and there. Wouldn’t even thank twice yo!

What hurt me was Too Too telling my brother to basically take a hike outta his life. My mouth dropped to the damn flo! I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know how to respond. Again, he was on that bullshit and I’m pretty sure he had no clue what the fuck he was saying but still. Too Too actually told my brother you ain’t gotta call or communicate with me ever again. Like he was getting rid of the trash in his life. Like he could even afford to because my brother was the only one of his fucking children that actually gave two fucks about his old ass. Yet he doesn’t want to hear from him anymore.

But ok old man. You’re 62 fucking years old and you’re still acting like a damn child. Okay. No problem. I didn’t give a shit about you before but I won’t even thank twice about you from now on.

So why am I worried shitless about him? Maybe it’s because I have his initials. Or because he’s half the reason why my brothers and I are on this earth. Perhaps my Granny’s spirit won’t let me be eternally mad at him even though I want to be. I hate him for all he’s never been to my brothers and I but I love the bastard because he’s my biological parent. mutha fucking emotions are getting the best of me now

Whatever the reason may be, it rocks the very core of my soul. I was okay with only one of us having contact with he old fucker because I at least knew by way of my brother he was okay. At least Too Too had one of his kids in his corner. But now the umbilical cord has been severed and burned to bits for probably forever. My brother said he deleted Too Too’s phone number and unfriended him on Facebook.

So that’s it. My brothers and I may never have the relationship we deserve with the man who helped bring us into the world and it’ll be his loss not ours.

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee

Happy 60th Birthday Mom!

Today, I just want to wish my mother a very happy and joyful milestone birthday. How I wish things were different between us. How I wish that I had enough balls to put aside my childish emotional grudges and go to her as my heart so desires. Yes I know I could easily change the situation. I’m grown enough to admit that. I’m grown enough to know that I need to let go of the past and forgive her and the rest of the family for everything said, done and not done the year my daughter was born. I know this.

But it’s hard. It’s sooooo incredibly hard to distinguish between doing what’s right and the emotions that have been with me for more than fourteen years. It’s hard to fight back the tears that burn down my cheeks when I think too much about my mother, my daughter and my mother’s family. It’s hard not hearing my mother’s voice on days like this when my heart is so full and heavy. It’s hard to distinguish between my childish heart and my adult mind.

I love my mother. Despite everything I’ve been through with my mother and her family, I love her to infinity and beyond. Boo doesn’t understand how I can still feel this way or how I can forgive them [my family] so easily. But what Boo doesn’t understand is that it hasn’t been easy to forgive. It isn’t easy to look at pictures of my mother and not cry or get angry or want to hurl objects around the room. The majority of the emotional roller coaster that is my heart stems from my family. It stems from not being able to speak my mind and be the strong outspoken LOUD woman I know myself to be today.

It. Ain’t. Easy. Yo!

The way I talk to you guys thanks for always listening btw is not how I talk to my family. I’m not The Southern Yankee, Lady Deathstrike, Angry Black Girl, or even my government name. I’m just a timid and quiet only child in a family full of adults.

Sigh… One day right?!

If you ever read this mommy, I love you! I love you so very much words cannot even describe. Yes I know we have our differences and yes we often have not seen eye to eye on almost everything. But you are my mom and my dad. You raised me by yourself and somehow made things happen when I’m sure you thought you couldn’t. Happy happy happy happy birthday! I hope this birthday and every other birthday brings you so much joy and laughter. That you are in good health and that God has blessed you beyond your years of life! ❤ your daughter

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee

Knowing When to Let Go

TheGreeneVademecum

 Sometimes God places people or obstacles in our life’s to stretch our comfort zones. Other times I can’t help but wonder if he’s testing us to see if we will pass or fail the same test that he has presented to us time and time again. Then there are the times when we allow for people/obstacles to remain in our lives unnecessarily causing ourselves to deal with avoidable issues. (Something like the definition of insanity …. You know doing the same thing over and over again …. expecting different results!)

This can apply to various areas in our lives like our attitudes, situations at work, our relationships including friendships and heck sometimes even our family members.

It poses the question, when should you decide to completely block out/alter someones placement in your life or release yourself from a situation?

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