Dearest Daughter: 17 years exactly

happy birthday baby girl!

my gawd you’re 17 and a junior in high school. i’m not sure how we got to this point so fast. i’m not sure i’m even ready for you to be at this point of your life. haha what am i saying… i’m NEVER reay for you to become a year older and three more steps to college. my friend has a daughter who is four months younger than you and we sort of mildly cry together at the fact our babies (i know you’re not a baby anymore) are so grown now.

i cry at the fact that i’m missing everything. not that i want this post to be a pity party about me and my feelings but i miss you so much baby girl. i wish with all my heart i could meet you. i wish i could tell you that i’m sorry for not stepping up to be the mom i know now i could have been. ohh if i knew then what i know now. so many aspects of our lives would be different. i like to hope that you would be everything that you are now… but that’s neither here nor there.

the fact of the matter is that there isn’t a single day that you’re not on my mind. there isn’t a day that i don’t see or hear something that reminds me of you. i still remember every aspect of the day you were born. i remember all the emotions i felt in those moments and how in love i was when i first laid eyes on you.

you are my light at the end of the tunnel baby girl. you give me life when i don’t think i deserve one or even have a life to live. i know it’s hard to understand what i mean but everything i do is to make you proud. to show that everything hasn’t been done in vain. my boss tells me that i can’t put that pressure on myself. that you’ll love me no matter what. but the fact of the matter is i don’t know what the family has told you about me. i don’t know what you do (or will) think of me if and when we finally meet.

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anyway… i should end this before i start crying in the middle of starbucks.

happy birthday mi mariposa. i hope this day brings you so much joy, laughter, many many blessings and wonderful surprises.

i love you always and forever and ever and ever…

❤ mami

Dearest Daughter: Happy 15th Birthday!

Dearest Daughter,

Happy Birthday baby girl!

Were you up all night waiting for the stroke of midnight to come? I’m sure you were. I mean you my kid for the love of all things wonderful and self-centered on one’s birthday.

I remember this day like it was just yesterday and not 15 years ago.

It was a Friday afternoon. I went to class and work that day. I wasn’t feeling well so I asked my boss if I could leave early. Thankfully, let me go because I was not good for anybody’s full work day. I walked back to my dorm and proceeded to try to relax. What happened next was the beginning of a very long afternoon.

One minute I’m going to the restroom… The next minute I was frantically calling your aunt who didn’t pick up her phone and running downstairs to the lobby to get someone to call an ambulance because apparently you decided you wanted to make presence known that day. But unfortunately for both of us, my cervix wasn’t dilating and I was losing a lot of blood. And I was scared and alone. Well not so alone because my RA Dominique was with me. She rode with me and was in labor and delivery with me.

Anyway they prepped me for surgery. You were to be born via Cesarean section. I didn’t want that. I DID NOT WANT TO BE CUT OPEN! But it didn’t matter what I wanted. You needed to come that day at that time. So I let go and let God.

I remember when they gave me the epidural shot.

I remember seeing my RA’s face and the anesthesiologist talking to me about what was happening and how I might feel during and after everything was done.

I remember hearing your sweet cry and saying he’s here and the doctor saying no she’s here. I was so mad at you for tricking me into thinking you were a boy and not a girl. See you had your thumb between your legs when I had the ultrasound done. Sneaky little imph you.

I remember when I held you for the first time. I remember my friend Flo calling you mohawk because you had the cutest little curly mohawk with a head FULL of hair when you were born.

Everything about you was absolutely P E R F E C T.

The three days I got to spend with you changed my life completely. How I wish I listened to my heart and not my selfish mind. I never should have let you out of my sight. I never should have….

I never should have stopped fighting for you. But I wanted you to have more. Be more. Be provided more.

With that said, I hope and pray to God you have had an interesting and wonderful life so far. I hope that you receive and become everything you’ve ever hoped for and then some.

I love you so much my sweet sweet baby.

Happy happy birthday!!

Love, Mami 😘