Happy New Year!

I recently turned the ripe young age of 37.

For you obnoxious youngens who have issues with growing older, that is STILL considered young. Your age does not factor into how old you feel, behave or think. In fact, most people would say I have the mindset and sense of humor of a teenage boy lol! I cannot help my mind stays in the gutta 24/7/365 (or in this year’s case 366).

And while I do not have issues with my age as a number, I do indeed have issues with the impending dreaded number that is now three years in front of me.

It never fails. Every New Year since the age of 35, I have had these cry myself to sleep moments where I question my every existence. I wonder if and when I’ll finally get off my lazy ass and do something more than what I am doing currently.

I wonder if I’ll have that house with the dream kitchen I’ve been pinning so furiously about.

I wonder if my daughter will seek me out.

I wonder if I’ll have another child or two. twins or triplets would be great God so i only have to be pregnant once.. thaaaaaanks.

I wonder if I’ll land that dream job I’ve always dreamed of and/or talked about. Sports Illustrated I’m talking to you!

So much pondering yet little to no action behind my endless day dreaming.

This New Year I am not making any resolutions as I don’t usually make good on them in the first place. This year I think I’m just going to take each and every day one at a time. I don’t want to plan my life out anymore. Partly because I continuously set myself up for failure and disappointment. Partly because I don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore.

All I DO know is that life is too short and I feel that my life is wasting away by doing nothing with it. I know how utterly depressing of me to say but I’m in that kind of mood right now.

Anyway… thank you again for following me on this journey called life. I promise to one day get better at this blogging thing!

 

Thanks for reading…

 

the southern yankee

 

A Random Wordy Tuesday

I’d be lying if I said I hardly ever remember the small insignificant little aspects of my life. I’d be lying if I said those insignificant little aspects didn’t still have some sort of affect on me mentally as well as emotionally. I have issues with remembering shit and people at the most inconvenient of times. I have issues trusting and believing in the simplest of concepts.

My life is comprised of people who both inspire me to be the best I can be and those who I have yet to understand their purpose in my life. My heart yearns for the connections that could possibly be severed for life. I indulge in the what ifs and coulda woulda shoulda waaaaaay more than I really should. Not only is it unhealthy but these thoughts of inadequacy, insecurity and uselessness carried over to how I treat people. Which is unfair and unwarranted.

On a day I should be and part of me is happy, I’m reminded of the many opportunities I’m missing out on. On a day when I have a million fucking thangs to do at work, I’m sitting at the dealer protesting the necessity to leave right this second. On a day when I am obviously blessed to see the sun shining and the air against my face, I want nothing more than to be in bed with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s coffee Heath crunch, a slice of genuine New York cheesecake and some mega stuffed Oreos. don’t judge me!

I promise I’m not going through one of my bouts of depression. yeah I know I sound that way tho I just often have waaaaaay too much time to think. Random asinine thoughts flood my brain as if I ain’t got shit else to think about. the randomness of other people’s actions, opinions, personalities, style of dress, etc trigger a multitude of memories and emotions that I really don’t wanna deal with.

As I get older, the more I realize I want more outta life. I want the simple aspects of life. I want the “that would be the least of my problems” aspects of life instead of the “fuck! Not this bullshit again!” Is that asking too much outta life?

Perhaps I am. Perhaps the cliché “good things come to those that wait” is true but as my sis says “I’m getting too old for this shit!”

Thas for reading…

 

the southern yankee 

 

Dearest Daughter: 14 More Days

Dearest Daughter,

It’s officially your birthday month.

I can’t believe it’s already September. I also can’t believe that your cousin Olivia, who is a year and 14 days older than you, turned sixteen today. Ugh I feel like you girls were born just yesterday. Time has flown by so incredibly fast.

So since it’s officially 14 days until your birthday and you’re my child, you started your birthday countdown two or three months ago with monthly reminders in case anyone wants to plan ahead for presents.

I really don’t have much to say today baby girl but I miss you more and more as your birthday nears. I wish, as always, I could… Well I wish… I wish everything! You’re my heart and soul. My everything! I wonder daily what life would be like if… I suppose coulda woulda shoulda.

I love you immensely. I want you to know that. I also want you to know that no matter what it’s you and me kid.

 

Te amo mucho mucho mucho

Mami 😘

Separate but Equal

I’m having issues separating my emotions from the task at hand. Seriously folks, if I keep on the path, I’m on I’ll expend all my arrows on the small battles instead of saving them. And yes, I’m being cryptic for a reason but I just have to get some shit off ma chest for a minute.

Over the past two or three weeks, I’ve been trying without losing whatever tiny ounce of sanity I had left to complete a certain task that I’m convinced is the biggest thorn in my right ass cheek. Seriously mayne this shit is the worst! And I can’t even pass shit off on someone else. I may be over exaggerating a bit but trust me when I say April’s been the most stressful month of 2015 so far. Sigh and we still have six more days left in the month.

Fuuuuuuuuuck I am beginning to hate April. To make matters worse for me, I still have one more phase to complete which is the one I’ve been dreading the most. I’d lying when I say I didn’t think I had anything to worry about but again, I have serious issues separating my emotions from the tasks I need to complete. I know that in time it’ll get less difficult but I honestly don’t think this’ll ever be one of those things that’ll come second nature for me.

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee

Far Away From “Home”

It’s been weighing heavy on my heart for some time now.

I try to remember what her voice and laugh sound like. I feverishly ruffle through my Photobucket and the pictures she left me before she died just to retrieve a memory I might have filed away for safe keeping. Her birthday was a few weeks ago and I’ve been irritable ever since. What gets me even more is that her niece, who a couple of my cousins called Aunt Cynthia, recently passed away which was another painful blow to my emotional heart.

Lemme explain.

I’m one of eight grandchildren. My paternal grandmother was the glue that kept the family somewhat together. I say somewhat because not all the grandchildren were close to her. My oldest brother doesn’t really “recognize” her as his grandmother. We see differently when it comes to our paternal grandparents. He had Red (our grandfather) and I had Granny. I never really knew Red even though my initials are his initials as well. Granny and her second husband, Emmitt, were my number #1 fans. They were the parents I wished my own to be. They, along with my maternal grandfather, were my everything and I dearly miss the relationship I had with them; which makes me yearn for some sort of relationship with my brothers and cousins.

I think I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I am the only grandchild who grew up in Texas. I’ve missed everything! Graduations. Births. Coming of age parties. Weddings. Funerals. EVERYTHING! Yes I could travel back and forth to California for all of those things but who has that kind of money. We ain’t the Kardashians or the Trumps that can make it rain like a damn hurricane. so did not mean for that to rhyme! If we could, I certainly wouldn’t be sitting where I am now.

I’m not complaining by any means about my current state of living because I’m grateful as all get out but I do want more. I do want to be able to mini reunions between the cousins or spend the holidays with them. It would just be nice to know my family. I just don’t know how to make that happen or even which one of the other seven grandchildren to go to first. Sigh perhaps one of them will read this.

Thanks for reading…

 

The Southern Yankee