Conversations with My Brother

My oldest brother called me the other night.

it isn’t out of the ordinary for us not to talk for weeks or months at a time. I have the same sort of relationship with one of my sisters. Months will go by and one of us will call or text and it’ll feel like we just talked the day or two days before. No time lost whatsoever.

But the phone call I received the other night wasn’t entirely one of those conversations. My brother is going through some thangs. Of course these unexpected life obstacles aren’t anything my brother and sister in law have not gone through before. There have been lays off. Odd jobs. Bills needing to be paid. My brother acting like a complete asshole cuz apparently that family temper is in ALL of us.

My brother is a fighter. My sister is his ride or fucking die. And yet my brother still feels an enormous void in his heart. He misses his younger siblings. He misses us to the very core of his soul. He loves us more than he can even explain. I can’t explain enough how much my brother yearns for family. He yearns to have his daughters have a relationship with their auntie and uncles. He yearns to be able to call our little brothers and shoot the shit. He yearns to be able to knock me around like most asinine asshole older brothers do. He wants to be included in our lives. And while that’s great and all, we both know that at the end of the day it might just be me and him.

See my younger brothers, as much as I love them too, don’t always acknowledge they have older siblings. Sigh it isn’t anything I can explain or comprehend the who what when why ano how of where the possibility of having a solid sibling relationship even went. But hearing my oldest brother cry like a baby about needing that relationship and that bond really hurt. Not because he made me feel less than important on the sibling totem pole but because I’ve felt that same sentiment all my life.

I’ve mentioned before that my younger siblings grew up differently than my oldest brother and I. It’s not their fault. Nor is it the fault of their mom. It just happened that way. My step mom is a talented and accomplished singer. She fought hard for her career and to be where she is now in life. I get that wholeheartedly and I hope to God she continues to have a rewarding career and life.

But there’s always a damn but as often as my younger brothers talked to my oldest brother while they were growing up…. As much as they spent time together… As little time as it takes the guys to get to each other’s house today… They don’t reach out to the oldest and I. And that pains my oldest brother to no utter end. It pains him to be and feel “alone.” It pains him to be going through life’s trials and tribulations without them or even me.

I wish I could make my younger brothers understand how my older brother and I feel. I wish so many things for my brothers and I that I cannot make come true because I’ve come to grips with the fact that I can’t make my brothers get along with each other or with me. I can’t force my younger brothers to be our brothers in actuality and not in name. I just can’t. I can hope and pray that one day they’ll want us around but until that day comes if it E V E R fucking comes all I really have is hope and all my oldest brother has is me which in my opinion is the best option he got.

Thanks for reading…

the southern yankee 

Sibling Rivalry

You’re going to think I’m weird but I long to have some sort of sibling rivalry with my brothers. I have two brothers and my heart yearns to be more than just the sister from our old man’s second wife. The oldest and I have a pretty strong relationship but it isn’t what I’ve always hoped it to be. And well my relationship with the youngest is nonexistent. So nonexistent that I couldn’t even tell you anything about his favorite things. So nonexistent that I hardly even exist.

Am I crazy for wanting this well deserved relationship with my brothers? Am I crazy for getting jealous of my friends who have siblings they can fight with on the regular?

Lemme backup for a second.

I have two sets of siblings.

First set is composed of my two brothers in California. All of us have different mamas. Yep the old fucker was a hoe.

The second set is composed of friends who I’ve been blessed to have in my corner for YEARS now.

And while the second of siblings and I are the real deal Holyfield, I still want something meaningful with my blood related brothers. I still desire to be involved in their lives. To know when they’re in trouble. To shoot da shit with them randomly. To have that “member when we kids” conversation. I’m asking for too much huh? We’re all too old now and I just dunno if that’s in the cards for us.

It’s so hard to even talk to them about this because my brothers don’t even talk to each other and they live in the same state maybe an hour or two away from each depending on the routes. Don’t get me wrong; my brothers are great, handsome and intelligent men. But uuuuhhhh they’re also equally stubborn and hard-headed. Family trait gone wrong if you ask me.. The oldest has an “obey my au-thor-ti” Cartman complex. Lawd he enjoys the oldest sibling and grandchild role a little too much. The youngest is young and stupid. You can’t tell him anything because well the youngen thank he know e’rythang.

**rolling my eyes** my brothers are such BOYS!

Part of me almost feels like that because the we were raised so differently, trying to find a happy medium for all of us would be difficult. Yes I know it’s probably not even my job to do but my heart is so heavy. I miss them more than anything yet I’ve never really spent more than a few hours with either of them. Is that weird? That I can love my brothers soooooo very much but don’t know them on a personal deeper level. That their well-being weighs heavy on my heart. That they’re safe, sound and healthy.

The fact of this very strange desire to have some sort of sibling rivalry is the fact that I don’t want something to happen to any of us and it be too late to say hey bruh (or sis) i love you more than you’ll ever know. Yeah that sounds sappy and mushy but too often families are separated over something stupid. Too often it’s too late before they ever come together again or even the first time. I’m tired of wasting time. I’m tired of waiting for both of them to grow a fucking pair just so I can have the relationship I so rightfully deserve because again I didn’t choose to move to Texas.

I didn’t ask the old fucker to poke around with three different broads and have a child with each so that his kids would be estranged later in life.

I never asked for any of it. Yet I’m the one hurting. I know my oldest brother feels the need to be responsible for the family but he has his own shit to deal with. Fuck we all do! But what can we do if no one makes the effort to make things better?

Imagine there was no tomorrow
Imagine that I couldn’t see your face
There would be no limit to my sorrow
’cause there’s nothing that could fill that space
I don’t wanna put it off for too long
I didn’t say all that I had to say
I wanna take my time and right the wrong before we get to that place

 

Thanks for reading…

 

The Southern Yankee