Fathead and Red

I talked to my oldest brother today. Even though he’s a pain in my left butt cheek, I love being able to talk to him about random shit.

It isn’t awkward.

It isn’t forced.

It’s just a pair of siblings talking on the phone as if we talk to each other everyday which we do not. He’s in Cali. And I’m in Texas. We’ve been separated all our lives and have only seen each other once. ONCE!! Yet my brother and I have a great relationship. We are a normal sibling pair but at the same time, we are not.

We share a last name but not the same mama. I can only imagine the number of headaches our moms would have had if we grew up together. Of course, had my mother stayed in California, that probably could’ve been possible but she did not.

Don’t tell him this but I really love my brother. I’m so incredibly grateful his stubborn fat head is in my life. He annoys the fuck outta me. And he’s bossy as all hell. Lawd have murcy and he’s a whiny you gotsta respect my authoritah cuz I’m the oldest asshole. He tortures me with talk of his chef quality dishes. He’ll tell you I do it more but his opinion don’t matter right now!!

But I love my brother immensely! I don’t ever want to know what I’d do without him or his wife or his three gawhgeous daughters. Please don’t tell him I’m talking nice about him cuz on the real, he’d never let me hear the end of it. Fucker!

Perhaps one day, I’ll get to see him again. And smack upside the head. And talk shit about and laugh at him with my sister in law. Hahaha wouldn’t that be a good time for ME?! Keep your fingers crossed it’ll be sooner rather than later.

Thanks for reading….

 

The Southern Yankee 

Happy Birthday Baby Brother

 

See the adorable baby boy in the picture. That’s my little brother Terence. He is the youngest child of our mothers’ ex-husband. I’m not sure exactly how old he was when that picture was taken but he’s I believe 27 years old today.

I wish I could say I have this great relationship with my little brother but I don’t and I’m not sure why. I’m not going to write a whole post on my speculations or even lash out at the fact that we and our older brother are not a “family”. Of course, if my older brother Tresman was writing this post, he wouldn’t have any problems expressing his disappointment in the fact that our younger brother does not even recognize our existence. The boys follow each other on Facebook and Terence and I follow each other on Twitter, even though he doesn’t tweet much anymore.

Does it make me sad that I don’t have a relationship with my brother? Of course! I mean why wouldn’t it?

I suppose in the end all I can do is continue to hope and pray that my brothers and I will at least be on speaking terms with each other. That we all will be proud to call each other sibling. I don’t think that is too much to ask for but I have been wrong before.

Anyway… If by chance you are reading this Terence, no matter where you are in the world or in your life, I’m always going to be your sister. I’m always going to love you and wish you the very best simply because you are my baby brother. Hope you have a wonderful birthday and that this next year brings you lots of joy, laughter, blessings and tranquility. Love always, big sis!

 

Thanks for reading…

 

The Southern Yankee

Day 14: A Hero That Has Let You Down

Dear my not so heroic hero,

You never nor will you ever know knew this but I desperately wanted you to be my hero. I expected you to be my hero. To guide me through life with your infinite wisdom and insight to the world’s most compelling questions.

I wanted you to explain the many variations of running a blitz on a 2^nd and 4 plays. Or why a point guard takes so long to pass the ball only to drive down the paint him or herself to make the score. From what I have been told, you were the athletic one in the family. That you played with Bill Walton before he was the great and legendary Bill Walton.

I grew up wondering, hoping and dreaming about your return. I woke up crying many nights pissed the hell off and saddened because I knew even at a young age that you would NEVER in my lifetime be that hero I deserved and needed to have.

Your excuses for being nonexistent in me and my brothers’ lives are ridiculous. The fact that you would try your best to put us against each other is beyond my comprehension. The fact that the youngest doesn’t even acknowledge the oldest and I as his family hurts more than you’ll ever understand. But what can we do? We didn’t grow up together or with the same mama. But yet you don’t take responsibility for having a part in that. Yes we’re all adults now but the encouragement to bond was needed when we were kids.

I’m not sure why I am even sending this letter because to be bluntly honest, at this point in my life, I don’t really care what you think, do or feel about anything. You will never be dead to me but you will not be a major factor in my life.

I do hope that one day we will reunite and you will see that the little girl you have so often viewed me as is not so little anymore. It is my hope that you will be clean and conscious of your words and past mistakes.

Until that time whenever that’ll be I have nothing else to say. Not now. Not ever.

Your unimpressed offspring,

The Southern Yankee

Day 7: Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For

In my life, I have never really regretted much of anything. I don’t regret losing my virginity the summer of my junior year of high school. Nor do I regret all the things I did my freshman year of Baylor. I’ve enjoyed the mistakes I’ve made because they’ve made me the person I am today. They’ve taught me to think twice before doing something that might hurt me or the people I love. 

Unfortunately, even though I talk and act like I’m fearless, I’m really not. even though I say I don’t regret anything, there is one thing I do. 

Her birth name is Elizabeth Cherie and she was born Friday, September 15, 2000 at 16:10 in Waco, Texas at Hillcrest Baptist Hospital. She is my daughter. My first child. My heart and soul. The very reason I live and breathe. The reason I want more out of life. The reason when I see a child hurt or suffering I want to cry and take their pain away. The only person that could make me cry with one look. if I ever got to see her again.

My heart hurts more than I care to admit. I feel so lost without her as if there is an unquenchable void in my heart and soul. Lord knows I would be more than happy to have her back. More than happy to hear her say “I love you Mami!” I hope and pray that one day she will know me and tell me the words I have longed to hear for so long. 

But I can’t help but wonder if she would even accept me. Will she understand why I did what I did? Or will she resent me? This is what I think about every time I think about her. I question why I didn’t listen to my wonderful friends who volunteered to help me raise the most beautiful little girl I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I question why my family didn’t either.

Sigh… If you ever get to read this, sweetheart, I love you! I love you soooo very much. From the day I found out about you til the day I die I will love you. 

You are my sunshine; my only sunshine. You make me happy; when skies are grey.

You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. please don’t take my sunshine away … love, Mami

 

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee

Something to Ponder for Tuesday, January 3rd

This week’s Something to Ponder topic is “what does your family portrait look like?” Before you start painting your family portrait, there are a few factors you should really think about.

1. What does family mean to you as an individual? Please do not reference the definition listed in Merriam-Webster or Wikipedia because I promise family does not have to be as cut and dry or black and white as it appears in these reference materials. For me, a family does not always have to consist of blood-related persons. A family can be, like most experiences and life lessons, what a person makes of it. You can almost choose who you consider family who you do not.

2. Once you have determined YOUR meaning on family, think who would be included in your family portrait. Would you include people like lifelong friends and their families, co-workers, Greek-lettered organization members, cousins who are more like siblings than cousins, god parents and siblings, etc. Really take the time to make a list(s) of these people because you’d be surprised who would make the list and who wouldn’t.  For example, I often say I have approximately twenty siblings (including my two biological half brothers and step brother), five moms (including my biological mother), two dads (my biological father does not count), a step dad (my mother’s second husband), two nephews and seven nieces (two of which will be born relatively soon).

Now keep in mind that this does not mean your biological family means any less. It just means that there are other people who are there for you “through thick and thin” like your biological family is should be. Notice I said should be… There are people out there who are related and that’s it. The emotional connection of being a family simply is not there. You may care and love them like you’re supposed to but anything past that is pretty much none existent.

For example, despite the fact that she and my Papa (pronounced paw paw) helped raise me, I do not have an emotional bond to my grandmother. She is just my mother’s mother to me. I care about her well-being because I am supposed to as a grandchild. I cannot bring myself to be fake and say oh I love you grandma like I really do love her because I would be lying. Of course, she and I had a horrible relationship when I was growing up and that has always played a major role in my emotional detachment from her. Don’t act like this hasn’t happened to you or someone you know.

Believe me when I say I realize there are biological families who are not quite as dysfunctional as mine. Those families are blessed beyond their wildest dreams.

3. While you were making your list(s), did you determine that you have multiple family portraits? I can honestly say, I have multiple family portraits because truth be told, I am different when I am with certain individuals or groups of people. Take for example, my Delta Omega brothers of Alpha Phi Omega at THE University of Houston. There are members I would proudly call my brother and my family because not only have we truly taken the time to get to know each other outside of the organization but these are the people I know I can count on when it is time for a chapter service project or to handle chapter operations.

So have you decided what your family portrait will look like? Do you have several or just one? And how does this portrait differ from the one that physically hangs in your parents or grandparents homes?