Dearest Daughter: 15 years 1 month

Dearest Daughter,

SOOO you’ve reached a month into your 15th year of life. How does it feel? If you’re anything like your dear ol’ birth mom then you’re itching to get your driver’s license. Buuuuut I’m pretty sure your mom and dad are not quite ready for that. I know, no one in the family was ready for me to drive for real. I see your side eye young lady… I grew up in the country and have been driving since the ripe old age of 5. Yaaaaas five years old. Your great-grandfather had me driving our old tractor when I was a kindergartner. And when I was nine, I graduated to my mom’s old Chevette. I’m sure you dunno nada about either of those things.  You’re the city slicker I’ve always said I was when in actuality I’m just a citified country girl.

Yes I’m rambling. I sorry. I’ll get back on track.

Sigh to be fifteen again. I got into a lot of trouble between my fifteenth year of life. Hell you almost arrived 6 years ahead of when you were born. Considering I was in high school at the time, you being here would have been an even bigger challenge but I know you would’ve been loved immensely and spoiled absolutely rotten. Perhaps more than I would have liked but I know in my heart of hearts I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. But that’s neither here nor there now. That was a (@&$)#&_@#&)@&%)#&$@) years ago.

It is my hope you’re not as completely rotten as I was in high school. Hell, I probably wasn’t as terribly rotten as some teenagers you hear about on the news nowadays. But for that time and our family, I was a little TOO rebellious. It was a different time then. I know by saying that I sound incredibly old which i ain’t so don’t go tryna call me old but life wasn’t lived out in the open then. Being that the family was possibly still is very religious and very conservative, everything I did was examined under a microscope. Nothing was of my own. Nothing was really “oh she’s just being a kid or experimenting with life.” Everything was “how could you? What were you thinking? Do you know how this makes me look?” Sigh… gawd I hope the family treats you differently. I hope to GOD they allow you to be your own person and allow to make a decision without the world and the sky for that matter falling harshly on your shoulders.

I hope you’re enjoying your fifteenth year of life so far baby girl. It’s just the beginning of the most wonderful time in your life outside of college. You learn so much about yourself in high school. You start to figure out what you like and dislike. You’re introduced to subjects that might fuel your decision in a college major. You start to figure out which of your friends are really your ride or die. The world is literally your oyster and I hope your parents allow you to experience that wholeheartedly but within reason of course since you’re a minor.

Don’t try to grow up too fast either. I think you know what I mean by that. reread the third paragraph You have all the time in world to be and do adult type thangs. Like when you’re eighteen. Please when you’re eighteen. I remember how my mom was throughout my high school years. I remember all the “talking to” I’d get because I wanted to be curious and of world. Yes teenagers are going to do what they do anyway regardless of who tells them anything. But if you were with me today, I’d be sure to be open and honest with you about what life could and should possibly be. I wouldn’t hide behind my fears of you finding out for yourself from sources that may not have your best interest at heart.

I would use my experiences to educate you and let you know this, this and that as well as that can happen. So many things I would do differently from my mom. So many conversations as mother and daughter instead of nothing at all. Ni modo. Perhaps one day we’ll be able to talk about everything under the sun.

Until then… i love you dearly baby girl. hope you’re doing well.

 

❤ mami

Dearest Daughter: Happy 15th Birthday!

Dearest Daughter,

Happy Birthday baby girl!

Were you up all night waiting for the stroke of midnight to come? I’m sure you were. I mean you my kid for the love of all things wonderful and self-centered on one’s birthday.

I remember this day like it was just yesterday and not 15 years ago.

It was a Friday afternoon. I went to class and work that day. I wasn’t feeling well so I asked my boss if I could leave early. Thankfully, let me go because I was not good for anybody’s full work day. I walked back to my dorm and proceeded to try to relax. What happened next was the beginning of a very long afternoon.

One minute I’m going to the restroom… The next minute I was frantically calling your aunt who didn’t pick up her phone and running downstairs to the lobby to get someone to call an ambulance because apparently you decided you wanted to make presence known that day. But unfortunately for both of us, my cervix wasn’t dilating and I was losing a lot of blood. And I was scared and alone. Well not so alone because my RA Dominique was with me. She rode with me and was in labor and delivery with me.

Anyway they prepped me for surgery. You were to be born via Cesarean section. I didn’t want that. I DID NOT WANT TO BE CUT OPEN! But it didn’t matter what I wanted. You needed to come that day at that time. So I let go and let God.

I remember when they gave me the epidural shot.

I remember seeing my RA’s face and the anesthesiologist talking to me about what was happening and how I might feel during and after everything was done.

I remember hearing your sweet cry and saying he’s here and the doctor saying no she’s here. I was so mad at you for tricking me into thinking you were a boy and not a girl. See you had your thumb between your legs when I had the ultrasound done. Sneaky little imph you.

I remember when I held you for the first time. I remember my friend Flo calling you mohawk because you had the cutest little curly mohawk with a head FULL of hair when you were born.

Everything about you was absolutely P E R F E C T.

The three days I got to spend with you changed my life completely. How I wish I listened to my heart and not my selfish mind. I never should have let you out of my sight. I never should have….

I never should have stopped fighting for you. But I wanted you to have more. Be more. Be provided more.

With that said, I hope and pray to God you have had an interesting and wonderful life so far. I hope that you receive and become everything you’ve ever hoped for and then some.

I love you so much my sweet sweet baby.

Happy happy birthday!!

Love, Mami 😘

Dearest Daughter: 14 More Days

Dearest Daughter,

It’s officially your birthday month.

I can’t believe it’s already September. I also can’t believe that your cousin Olivia, who is a year and 14 days older than you, turned sixteen today. Ugh I feel like you girls were born just yesterday. Time has flown by so incredibly fast.

So since it’s officially 14 days until your birthday and you’re my child, you started your birthday countdown two or three months ago with monthly reminders in case anyone wants to plan ahead for presents.

I really don’t have much to say today baby girl but I miss you more and more as your birthday nears. I wish, as always, I could… Well I wish… I wish everything! You’re my heart and soul. My everything! I wonder daily what life would be like if… I suppose coulda woulda shoulda.

I love you immensely. I want you to know that. I also want you to know that no matter what it’s you and me kid.

 

Te amo mucho mucho mucho

Mami 😘

Conversations with My Brother

My oldest brother called me the other night.

it isn’t out of the ordinary for us not to talk for weeks or months at a time. I have the same sort of relationship with one of my sisters. Months will go by and one of us will call or text and it’ll feel like we just talked the day or two days before. No time lost whatsoever.

But the phone call I received the other night wasn’t entirely one of those conversations. My brother is going through some thangs. Of course these unexpected life obstacles aren’t anything my brother and sister in law have not gone through before. There have been lays off. Odd jobs. Bills needing to be paid. My brother acting like a complete asshole cuz apparently that family temper is in ALL of us.

My brother is a fighter. My sister is his ride or fucking die. And yet my brother still feels an enormous void in his heart. He misses his younger siblings. He misses us to the very core of his soul. He loves us more than he can even explain. I can’t explain enough how much my brother yearns for family. He yearns to have his daughters have a relationship with their auntie and uncles. He yearns to be able to call our little brothers and shoot the shit. He yearns to be able to knock me around like most asinine asshole older brothers do. He wants to be included in our lives. And while that’s great and all, we both know that at the end of the day it might just be me and him.

See my younger brothers, as much as I love them too, don’t always acknowledge they have older siblings. Sigh it isn’t anything I can explain or comprehend the who what when why ano how of where the possibility of having a solid sibling relationship even went. But hearing my oldest brother cry like a baby about needing that relationship and that bond really hurt. Not because he made me feel less than important on the sibling totem pole but because I’ve felt that same sentiment all my life.

I’ve mentioned before that my younger siblings grew up differently than my oldest brother and I. It’s not their fault. Nor is it the fault of their mom. It just happened that way. My step mom is a talented and accomplished singer. She fought hard for her career and to be where she is now in life. I get that wholeheartedly and I hope to God she continues to have a rewarding career and life.

But there’s always a damn but as often as my younger brothers talked to my oldest brother while they were growing up…. As much as they spent time together… As little time as it takes the guys to get to each other’s house today… They don’t reach out to the oldest and I. And that pains my oldest brother to no utter end. It pains him to be and feel “alone.” It pains him to be going through life’s trials and tribulations without them or even me.

I wish I could make my younger brothers understand how my older brother and I feel. I wish so many things for my brothers and I that I cannot make come true because I’ve come to grips with the fact that I can’t make my brothers get along with each other or with me. I can’t force my younger brothers to be our brothers in actuality and not in name. I just can’t. I can hope and pray that one day they’ll want us around but until that day comes if it E V E R fucking comes all I really have is hope and all my oldest brother has is me which in my opinion is the best option he got.

Thanks for reading…

the southern yankee 

Dearest Daughter: 14 years 10 months 14 days

Dearest Daughter,

I’m sitting in Panera Bread trying to figure out what to say in this month’s letter.

I’ve been thinking about you a bit more frequently lately. Probably because your birthday is in a month and a half. You’re also starting high school soon. My heart sort of skips a beat every time my co worker talks about her daughter and niece who are also going to be high school freshman in a few short weeks. I dunno why baby girl. I guess because I remember how nerve wracking it was not to be at the top of the totem pole anymore. It gets easier but the first few days require more than just a little adjusting. 

I’ve tried asking your aunt/grandmother about you and what you like to do buuuuuut it’s almost like trying to reconnect a severed limb with her. She gives me little to no information so I probably know just as much about you as you may know about me. I can hope you know who I am but there’s just no telling what the family has told you.

Sigh anyway… It is my sincere hope you’re okay baby girl. I hope that life so far has been everything you’ve wanted and more. 

I love you always and forever,

Mami