Dearest Daughter: 19 years and College Enrolled

Dearest daughter,

Happy happy birthday baby girl! My gawd you’re not only 19 years old but you enrolled in college. I feel like it was yesterday that I held you in my arms after you were born. It’s almost surreal how quickly time has flown by. One moment you were kicking me like a damn soccer ball. Next minute you’re graduating high school and going to your auntie’s alma mater.

Which btw your auntie and I are soooo soooo proud of you for going there!! It warms every bit of my heart that you are going into media, film and television. I giggle and cheese every time I think about it. My friends tell me (of course I talk about you) all the time how it’s utterly amazing the connection we have without having said one word to each other.

I pray all of your dreams and aspirations come true baby girl. I pray you’re having fun filled day full of love, laughter, joy and perhaps a few presents. However, please don’t forget to study for your class(es) tomorrow.

Love you always and forever,

Mami

Dearest Daughter: 18 years 1 month 21 days

My dearest dearest Daughter,

I know I know.. I’m more than a month late writing this letter.

How was your birthday? Did you do anything exciting or out of the ordinary? I don’t really remember my 18th birthday. I’m almost positive my friends and I celebrated at one of their houses. Hopefully, you had a wonderful and fun-filled birthday.

I wanted to send you a care package for your birthday and senior year but my fear of your parents not giving the package to you overcame me. The fear of it being too much too soon and not on your terms was also a factor. Please know I think of you DAILY! That there isn’t a moment that I don’t wonder about you. Who you are? What your likes and dislikes are? If there are aspects of our personalities that are the same? I have so many questions and yet not a lot of answers.

I try to ask your grandmother (my mom) about you and she doesn’t say much. She did mention you will be majoring in Media & Communications, which has me over the moon. I selfishly admit I have always hoped you’d follow in my footsteps. Perhaps you’ll become a world famous journalist or perhaps a media empress. Please do not let anyone prevent you from following YOUR heart and fulfilling your dreams.

I’m so incredibly proud of you baby girl. Your grandmother says you’re on the dance team at school. She even sent me a picture of you from Senior Night. You’re every bit of beautiful as I knew you would be.

I miss you baby girl. I don’t even know how to even express how just empty I’ve felt all this time without you. And yes, I know I could have easily done something about it but I didn’t want to put you in a situation that would have complicated your life. By complicated, I mean unnecessary stress. There wasn’t any need for it. I know how I can be. I know how incredibly emotional and stubborn I can be. I would have hated to be the source of stress for you. My issues with the family are mine and mine alone. You shouldn’t be put in the middle or on the receiving end of this emotional roller coaster.

With that said, please know I didn’t give you up for adoption because I didn’t want you. I did so because I wanted you to have more than I could give you. I needed you to always be safe and sound. I needed you to have food, shelter, a bed, clothing, etc. I needed you to be able to go to the best schools. I needed you to have a life. At the time, I thought your parents would be the best fit for you because they are my godparents. Believe me, if I could, I’d go back and change the past. I wouldn’t have let you out of my sight. Not for one second baby girl. It would’ve been me and you against the world.

But God always has a plan. And maybe sweet pea, we’ll meet sooner rather than later, on your terms of course. Sigh until then… I love you baby girl. I love you sooooo sooooo much!

❤ Mami

Dearest Daughter: 15 years 4 months (exactly)

Dearest Daughter,

First, lemme say Happy New Year! Hope the first fifteen days of 2016 have been going well for you.

Secondly, I’d like to apologize for not writing for so long. I don’t want to make up any excuses so I’ll just say I’m sorry. I must’ve started a letter two or three times a month and never finished it. I cannot promise I won’t miss anymore but at least you know I’m trying to make an effort.

Soooooo it’s been a rather long three months. Lemme think… what have you missed?

OH! Well you have a new cousin. Born September 25th. He’s the cutest little chunky monkey. He’s got big o’ cheeks and ham hocks for legs. How I wish you could meet him. You’d just fall in love. He makes my heart sing when your Auntie sends me pictures.

Speaking of cousins, I finally met one of your other cousins on his 5th birthday in November. He’s just as adorable in person as he is in his pictures. His little glasses makes him look so darn handsome. Your other aunt sent a text the other day and said he has pink eye and a respiratory infection. Poor baby! Hopefully he feels better soon.

Oh you’re gonna have a new cousin in March. My BabySis is pregnant with her first child. We’re all very excited about this baby.

Okay that’s all for the baby/cousin updates. You have more cousins that I can count. And I’m sure on your biological dad’s side there are even more. Speaking of your biological dad, your older brother just turned 16 in December. It’s pretty crazy thinking about the two of you because you’re so close in age. But I pray that one day you’ll be able to meet.

Have you started school yet? I know you’re going to a private school so I’m not certain if you start the spring semester at the same time as the public schools here. Hopefully school is going well and that you’re keeping up with your classes and homework.

I hope and pray you’re doing well baby girl. I miss you more than I can even stand. Every time my co worker talks about her daughter and niece, who are only but four months and days younger than you, a part of me just melts. I wonder what kind of relationship we would have. I wonder if I would be a good mom to you and give you a good life. Sometimes it’s just hard to think about you because in the back of my mind I still feel like I’ve failed you.

Anyway… I should sign off before I start bawling in the middle of Starbucks.

Hope you have a wonderful day baby girl. And please remember I love you I love you I love you!

Mami

Dearest Daughter: 14 years 8 months (EXACTLY)

Good evening baby girl,

Exactly 14 years and 8 months ago you were born in Waco, Tx. LOL I remember thinking my baby is going to be a Waconian. Jesus lawd noooooooooooo! It’s not a bad place but when you were born Baylor hadn’t fully taken over Waco yet. Businesses closed at 18:00 everyday. It just wasn’t the Baylor metropolitan it is today. Be proud of your hometown though. With the athletic success of my Baylor Bears, Waco is finally on the map.

Anyway, my mom tells me you were just inducted into the National Junior Honor Society. I’m so very proud of you. I always knew you’d be an intelligent child. As your auntie said when I told her, like mother like daughter. I haven’t even officially met you and I feel like we’re more alike than I ever even imagine. I know, being that you are a teenager, I’m sure you’d rather not be like your mother but you are honey. Perhaps more than either of us will ever know.

Speaking of being like me, since there are only four more months until your fifteenth birthday, have you started counting down and reminding people that your birthday is coming up yet? There’s nothing more joyful or exciting than a person’s birthday. It’s your very own holiday and everyone makes a big fuss about you and your birthday. What’s special about your birthday this year is that you’ll be 15 on the 15th in 2015 which doesn’t happen to very often. Man, you’re going to be 15! Where did time go?!?! So much time has passed and yet time seems to stand still when I think about you.

Hope you had a great day in school today. I’m sure you’re counting down the days, hours and seconds until the last bell rings on the last day of school. I was the same way when I was your age.

I love you dearly!
Mami

Dearest Daughter: 14 years 7 months

Dearest Daughter,

In five very very short months, you’ll be fifteen years old and a freshman in high school. Lawd have murcy where did the time go? It seems like yesterday I was pregnant and fussing at you to stop treating me like a soccer ball. Of course, I don’t know why I would fuss because you wouldn’t listen and if you did, it only lasted for a few minutes. I swear you were practicing for the Women’s FIFA World Cup.

Speaking of those endless soccer matches, do you like and/or play sports? If you do like sports, please tell me that you dislike the Dallas Cowgirls. I know you grew up there but it would just break my little football loving heart if you liked the Cowgirls. Yes, you’re entitled to like whatever team you like but to know you and I could possibly share the same loathing for the Cowgirls would me so very happy. *wink wink*

All jokes aside, I can’t help but wonder how many similarities we share.

For example, I absolutely love to cook. One of my dreams is to have a huge gourmet kitchen and spacious dining room so I can host dinner parties. I’m no Susie Homemaker but there is something very comforting about cooking and sharing one’s kitchen creations with other people. Plus it would be nice to pass down recipes to you and your siblings if and when they will come someday. Unfortunately, my baking expertise is more limited than Tony Romo’s ability to take the Cowgirls to another Super Bowl. yaaaaaaaaaaaaas i had to throw that one in I’m not a bad baker but I’m not a pastry chef like your Uncle Anthony and your Aunt Eva (one of my best friends from high school). My tummy is rumbling just thinking about all their wonderful pastries.

What about singing and dancing? I can’t dance well but I’ll do anyway because I love it so much. My singing voice isn’t as good as it used to be. I try though.

I’m not going to even ask you about music. I imagine you and I would differ about music just as much as my co-worker and her daughter, who is four months younger than you, do. Just because you’re my child, I already see the sideways looks you’d give me about the music I listen to because I’d give your biological grandmother the exact same look. Whatever!

Oh baby girl so many questions yet I’m not sure when if ever they will be answered. Sometimes, I have to force myself not to think about you because I cry every other time I do. I see so many teenagers with their moms and/or dads and wonder. I wonder what you’re doing at that particular moment. I wonder how our relationship will be. I wonder if we’ll ever have any sort of relationship at all.

Truth be told I’m so incredibly scared to re-enter the family because I don’t want to hurt or confuse you. I’m afraid you will hate me for not keeping you. I’m afraid whatever answers I give to your questions won’t be enough. I’ve read way too stories about first meetings. Yes there are some good ones that end or progress happily but there are others that well… Those are the ones that scare me the most. No, I don’t know what the future will hold. And no, I can’t predict it. But that doesn’t mean I’m any less afraid.

Hopefully, if you ever read these “Dearest Daughter” letters, it’ll help you understand who I am and what you mean to me.

I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day.

When it’s cold outside I’ve got the month of May.

I guess you’d say

What can make me feel this way?

My girl (my girl, my girl)

Talkin’ ’bout my girl (my girl).

I love you always,

 

Mami