Dearest Daughter: 19 years and College Enrolled

Dearest daughter,

Happy happy birthday baby girl! My gawd you’re not only 19 years old but you enrolled in college. I feel like it was yesterday that I held you in my arms after you were born. It’s almost surreal how quickly time has flown by. One moment you were kicking me like a damn soccer ball. Next minute you’re graduating high school and going to your auntie’s alma mater.

Which btw your auntie and I are soooo soooo proud of you for going there!! It warms every bit of my heart that you are going into media, film and television. I giggle and cheese every time I think about it. My friends tell me (of course I talk about you) all the time how it’s utterly amazing the connection we have without having said one word to each other.

I pray all of your dreams and aspirations come true baby girl. I pray you’re having fun filled day full of love, laughter, joy and perhaps a few presents. However, please don’t forget to study for your class(es) tomorrow.

Love you always and forever,

Mami

Dearest Daughter: 18 years 1 month 21 days

My dearest dearest Daughter,

I know I know.. I’m more than a month late writing this letter.

How was your birthday? Did you do anything exciting or out of the ordinary? I don’t really remember my 18th birthday. I’m almost positive my friends and I celebrated at one of their houses. Hopefully, you had a wonderful and fun-filled birthday.

I wanted to send you a care package for your birthday and senior year but my fear of your parents not giving the package to you overcame me. The fear of it being too much too soon and not on your terms was also a factor. Please know I think of you DAILY! That there isn’t a moment that I don’t wonder about you. Who you are? What your likes and dislikes are? If there are aspects of our personalities that are the same? I have so many questions and yet not a lot of answers.

I try to ask your grandmother (my mom) about you and she doesn’t say much. She did mention you will be majoring in Media & Communications, which has me over the moon. I selfishly admit I have always hoped you’d follow in my footsteps. Perhaps you’ll become a world famous journalist or perhaps a media empress. Please do not let anyone prevent you from following YOUR heart and fulfilling your dreams.

I’m so incredibly proud of you baby girl. Your grandmother says you’re on the dance team at school. She even sent me a picture of you from Senior Night. You’re every bit of beautiful as I knew you would be.

I miss you baby girl. I don’t even know how to even express how just empty I’ve felt all this time without you. And yes, I know I could have easily done something about it but I didn’t want to put you in a situation that would have complicated your life. By complicated, I mean unnecessary stress. There wasn’t any need for it. I know how I can be. I know how incredibly emotional and stubborn I can be. I would have hated to be the source of stress for you. My issues with the family are mine and mine alone. You shouldn’t be put in the middle or on the receiving end of this emotional roller coaster.

With that said, please know I didn’t give you up for adoption because I didn’t want you. I did so because I wanted you to have more than I could give you. I needed you to always be safe and sound. I needed you to have food, shelter, a bed, clothing, etc. I needed you to be able to go to the best schools. I needed you to have a life. At the time, I thought your parents would be the best fit for you because they are my godparents. Believe me, if I could, I’d go back and change the past. I wouldn’t have let you out of my sight. Not for one second baby girl. It would’ve been me and you against the world.

But God always has a plan. And maybe sweet pea, we’ll meet sooner rather than later, on your terms of course. Sigh until then… I love you baby girl. I love you sooooo sooooo much!

❤ Mami

Dearest Daughter: 17 years exactly

happy birthday baby girl!

my gawd you’re 17 and a junior in high school. i’m not sure how we got to this point so fast. i’m not sure i’m even ready for you to be at this point of your life. haha what am i saying… i’m NEVER reay for you to become a year older and three more steps to college. my friend has a daughter who is four months younger than you and we sort of mildly cry together at the fact our babies (i know you’re not a baby anymore) are so grown now.

i cry at the fact that i’m missing everything. not that i want this post to be a pity party about me and my feelings but i miss you so much baby girl. i wish with all my heart i could meet you. i wish i could tell you that i’m sorry for not stepping up to be the mom i know now i could have been. ohh if i knew then what i know now. so many aspects of our lives would be different. i like to hope that you would be everything that you are now… but that’s neither here nor there.

the fact of the matter is that there isn’t a single day that you’re not on my mind. there isn’t a day that i don’t see or hear something that reminds me of you. i still remember every aspect of the day you were born. i remember all the emotions i felt in those moments and how in love i was when i first laid eyes on you.

you are my light at the end of the tunnel baby girl. you give me life when i don’t think i deserve one or even have a life to live. i know it’s hard to understand what i mean but everything i do is to make you proud. to show that everything hasn’t been done in vain. my boss tells me that i can’t put that pressure on myself. that you’ll love me no matter what. but the fact of the matter is i don’t know what the family has told you about me. i don’t know what you do (or will) think of me if and when we finally meet.

---

anyway… i should end this before i start crying in the middle of starbucks.

happy birthday mi mariposa. i hope this day brings you so much joy, laughter, many many blessings and wonderful surprises.

i love you always and forever and ever and ever…

❤ mami

Dearest Daughter: Sweet 16

Dearest Daughter,

Today is the day! Jesus lawd my baby is 16 years old. I’m not sure exactly where the time went or even how much time has seemed to escape me without my permission but it has. It has and yet I still feel as lost, angered and upset as I did on every other birthday. Please do not feel like these emotions are directed at you because they’re not in any way whatsoever. I’m mad because I could and should have done better by you. I should have done a lot things during those four days in the hospital but I didn’t. And for that I’m so very very sorry.

As I try to write this letter without crying, I wonder what your “mom and dad” did this morning to celebrate your 16th. I wonder if you’ll have a party or get to go out with your friends. I wonder if your friends at school will surprise you with something wonderful. I wonder what the aunts and uncles will do for you. So much wonder yet only one of us will ever know. I’ve tried talking to your biological grandmother about you and have asked about you your entire life. Needless to say I really don’t know a whole lot. But I imagine you being a grand chip off the ol block. I imagine the facial expressions you’ll make today. I imagine you feeling a tad bit more grown up yet at the same time not really at all.

It is my hope baby girl that your sweet sixteen is special. That it surpasses all other birthdays before this one. Certainly, it will not be the absolute hands down best birthday because I’m sure there will be other that will top this one and more. I want you to know that more than anything in this world at this very moment I’m thinking and praying you’re everything I’ve always imagined you to be. I wish you not only the greatest of great birthdays but one full of laughter, joy, presents and many many blessings.

I love you so much baby girl. I love you beyond the moon. Beyond the universe. Beyond everything God has ever created.

happy happy birthday mi mariposa!

❤ mami