I Came Here to Bitch

My mother sent the snarkiest most sarcastic email to me today. sometimes I wonder what i did to deserve my family. Granted, I’m proud to be a member of this family because my Papa was the mutha fuckin shit! buuuuuuut honestly, this whole passive aggressive shit they’ve dished out to me my whole damn life i’m almost fucking FORTY years old!!! yet I’m the one who needs/should cater to them forever and always.

Why? Why do I have to continue to make people happy who never seem to care whether or not I’m happy? it’s fucking September! My daughter will be 18 years old next Saturday and there’s nothing i can possibly do without opening a can of worms neither she or i are even ready to smell at this point.

I miss my kid with every fiber of my being. I’ve asked for updates. pictures. news even. hell i wouldn’t care if they told me that she took a poop. they promised so much and i got nada. and i know i made the choice to give her up for adoption to my aunt and uncle. i honestly and naively thought that i would be able to see her grow without anything “weird” happening between me and my family but it got weird. they got weird. and i walked away. hardest most depressing decision outside of giving her up i’ve ever made in my fucking life. and guess what?!?!?!?! i regret it all. as selfish as this sounds, i really do regret it. but hindsight is 20/20 and here we are 17 years, 11 months and 22 days later.  yeah i know I’m crying wolf waaaaaaay too late.

At what point, does this thing get easier?

I don’t ask for anything. I don’t want anything. all i want is this pain to go away. all i want is an opportunity to have the family I’ve wanted and needed my entire life. but as “in a perfect world” as that sounds, I know I won’t have that with my mother’s family. I know that perhaps my presence is to show face and appear like everything is kosher and copacetic, when we all know the truth.

I felt it when i went to visit my mother and her husband a few months ago and i feel it now. the mom i want(ed) her to be will never be. She will always be the church mother who dishes out scripture and “just pray about it” for advice. She’s the church mother who has to be involved with missionary work, bible study, the choir, the deaconesses, the women’s auxiliary and everything else. Just. like. Grandma.

Is it too much to ask to have a mom who will share a glass of wine with me on our birthdays? Is it too much to ask to have a mom who will comfort me when I’m feeling like shit? Is it too much to ask to just have a fucking conversation without her shutting down or brushing me off?

To be honest, for her, I think I am asking too much. Before I hit 6th grade we were two peas in a pod. Before Papa died I had the mom i wanted and needed. Something happened. And I have no idea what.

sigh…

Happy New Year!

I recently turned the ripe young age of 37.

For you obnoxious youngens who have issues with growing older, that is STILL considered young. Your age does not factor into how old you feel, behave or think. In fact, most people would say I have the mindset and sense of humor of a teenage boy lol! I cannot help my mind stays in the gutta 24/7/365 (or in this year’s case 366).

And while I do not have issues with my age as a number, I do indeed have issues with the impending dreaded number that is now three years in front of me.

It never fails. Every New Year since the age of 35, I have had these cry myself to sleep moments where I question my every existence. I wonder if and when I’ll finally get off my lazy ass and do something more than what I am doing currently.

I wonder if I’ll have that house with the dream kitchen I’ve been pinning so furiously about.

I wonder if my daughter will seek me out.

I wonder if I’ll have another child or two. twins or triplets would be great God so i only have to be pregnant once.. thaaaaaanks.

I wonder if I’ll land that dream job I’ve always dreamed of and/or talked about. Sports Illustrated I’m talking to you!

So much pondering yet little to no action behind my endless day dreaming.

This New Year I am not making any resolutions as I don’t usually make good on them in the first place. This year I think I’m just going to take each and every day one at a time. I don’t want to plan my life out anymore. Partly because I continuously set myself up for failure and disappointment. Partly because I don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore.

All I DO know is that life is too short and I feel that my life is wasting away by doing nothing with it. I know how utterly depressing of me to say but I’m in that kind of mood right now.

Anyway… thank you again for following me on this journey called life. I promise to one day get better at this blogging thing!

 

Thanks for reading…

 

the southern yankee

 

Conversations with My Brother: Part Deaux

My brother is probably the most stubborn bullheaded person I know which somewhat says a lot cuz I’m an overly stubborn person.

But sometimes he can be so completely asinine with his stubbornness. I call it the Cartman Complex. Certainly you guys have watched South Park before right? The little fatty who’s so completely rude, self-centered and diabolical to everyone. The one who screams “respect my authoritah.” Is it ringing a bell now? No? Let’s look at exhibit A.

Now?! Thought so.

I love my brother dearly but my brother often tries to make his daughters do and be what he would like them to be. The youngest will be graduating from high school next year. She, my brother and I were on the phone about two weeks ago and she explained to my brother than she’d like to go to a HBCU. I’m thinking oh heeeeey that’s great. She even said she was thinking about being a lawyer which again made me oh so proud. I’d be proud anyway but that is beside the point.

Here I was trying to be supportive and offer advice and whatnot buuuuuuuuut my brother wasn’t having any of that. He even went as far to say that she wasn’t going out-of-state for school. Sigh here we go.

I say let her decide where she wants to go. But my brother doesn’t want the girls to be too far from him which I understand but he’s being unreasonable. Lemme explain.

When I say he is dead set against youngest going anywhere outside of California, I mean he was pitching a damn fit. Every time she mentioned a school outside of Cali he made sure to say no you not going to that school. But why I’d ask. What’s wrong with any of the schools she’d mention? His only answer was they not in California.

The fuck?! That’s not a reasonable excuse. But it was the only one he needed to know and hear. I know I’m not the one paying for her education but I seriously dislike the fact my brother is being such a royal pain about it. It isn’t fair to make your kid live the life you did or wanted to live. The girls don’t have all the same interests as my brother obviously but at the same time I ish he was more open to hear what they have to say about how they live their lives.

Again I’m not paying for their education nor do I have children or understand what go s into raising a child much alone two very head strong young ladies who’d I’m sure would give me a run fa all my little scruples. Nonetheless I do hope my brother comes around a bit and will be open to listening to my niece instead of exercising his Cartman Complex.
Thanks for reading…

the southern yankee 

One Month Away

Yesterday literally marked one month until my burfday!

I dunno about you guys but I absolutely LOVE my birthday. Not only is it my favorite holiday of the year but every year it makes me a little more thankful for life, love and health.

Yes I realize not a lot of people like their birthdays. They’d rather not celebrate or do anything because it reminds them of what they haven’t done in life. It somehow depresses them when in my most humble and honest opinion people should be grateful to even be alive to see another birthday.

Not to be a Debbie downer or anything, but there are waaaaaaay too many individuals and/or their families that are robbed almost daily of the opportunity of celebrating another year on this earth. Call me overly sentimental but to even be able to wake up on one’s birthday is an absolute blessing that a lot of us seem to take for granted until it’s too late.

Sigh I know “way to kill the mood SoYa.” Sorry…

We’ll get back to the post at hand now…

This year for my birthday, I’m treating myself to a hair cut at Planet Curls. I’d be lying out my ass if I said I wasn’t nervous about this appointment. I’ve never been to a curly salon before. Nor have I ever been to a non-ethnic beautician before. But I’m going to my sister’s stylist so I’m not overly nervous nor do I feel like I will not be in capable hands as my sister’s hair looks marvelous. I think I’ll also get a badly needed mani pedi. Haven’t had one of those in YEARS! I’ll have to find a really cool color for my finger nails. They should be long enough by then to do my own and not get acrylics.

Anyway… I’m gonna warn you guys now; I’m probably going to be making  weekly possicle even biweekly countdown updates. Oh yes this gets more and more ridiculous as it gets closer to my birthday. Just be prepared ok?

 

Thanks for reading…

 

the southern yankee 

Conversations with My Brother

My oldest brother called me the other night.

it isn’t out of the ordinary for us not to talk for weeks or months at a time. I have the same sort of relationship with one of my sisters. Months will go by and one of us will call or text and it’ll feel like we just talked the day or two days before. No time lost whatsoever.

But the phone call I received the other night wasn’t entirely one of those conversations. My brother is going through some thangs. Of course these unexpected life obstacles aren’t anything my brother and sister in law have not gone through before. There have been lays off. Odd jobs. Bills needing to be paid. My brother acting like a complete asshole cuz apparently that family temper is in ALL of us.

My brother is a fighter. My sister is his ride or fucking die. And yet my brother still feels an enormous void in his heart. He misses his younger siblings. He misses us to the very core of his soul. He loves us more than he can even explain. I can’t explain enough how much my brother yearns for family. He yearns to have his daughters have a relationship with their auntie and uncles. He yearns to be able to call our little brothers and shoot the shit. He yearns to be able to knock me around like most asinine asshole older brothers do. He wants to be included in our lives. And while that’s great and all, we both know that at the end of the day it might just be me and him.

See my younger brothers, as much as I love them too, don’t always acknowledge they have older siblings. Sigh it isn’t anything I can explain or comprehend the who what when why ano how of where the possibility of having a solid sibling relationship even went. But hearing my oldest brother cry like a baby about needing that relationship and that bond really hurt. Not because he made me feel less than important on the sibling totem pole but because I’ve felt that same sentiment all my life.

I’ve mentioned before that my younger siblings grew up differently than my oldest brother and I. It’s not their fault. Nor is it the fault of their mom. It just happened that way. My step mom is a talented and accomplished singer. She fought hard for her career and to be where she is now in life. I get that wholeheartedly and I hope to God she continues to have a rewarding career and life.

But there’s always a damn but as often as my younger brothers talked to my oldest brother while they were growing up…. As much as they spent time together… As little time as it takes the guys to get to each other’s house today… They don’t reach out to the oldest and I. And that pains my oldest brother to no utter end. It pains him to be and feel “alone.” It pains him to be going through life’s trials and tribulations without them or even me.

I wish I could make my younger brothers understand how my older brother and I feel. I wish so many things for my brothers and I that I cannot make come true because I’ve come to grips with the fact that I can’t make my brothers get along with each other or with me. I can’t force my younger brothers to be our brothers in actuality and not in name. I just can’t. I can hope and pray that one day they’ll want us around but until that day comes if it E V E R fucking comes all I really have is hope and all my oldest brother has is me which in my opinion is the best option he got.

Thanks for reading…

the southern yankee