It had been having one of those weeks. Folks were being asininely ratchet for no good damn reason and the weather in Texas had gone beyond its usual level of schizophrenia. Phoenix was not in a mood to be dealing with either and was two “I don’t give a fucks” away from going straight up hood rat AMG wit chanclas. Don’t trip we all know one!
Thankfully for everyone around her, Phoenix received urgent news the previous Friday she needed to be in the valley not the valley in Cali but in Texas oh me gee Becky in a few days, which would mean the following Wednesday. It was gon be a scramble to get shit “situated” so she could go without any questions. Even though she informed the appropriate people, I imagine the underlying tone of the notification to be this “I’m out. You no likey I do not cur!” Drop da mic and sashay away RuPaul style.
Este babosos no saben nada a mi vida.
Something good needed to come from this last minute “lemme at least make sure I gotta clean pair of drawers wit me” type of trip. I should prolly mention this ain’t no quick wham bam thank you ma’am type of trip. It takes at least six or seven hours to get to the valley.
6 to 7 hours dawg! Da fuck?!?! And not that doesn’t account for traffic heading outta the H.
It ain’t as fugly as driving to El Paso but shiiiiiiiiiit one might as well keep on to El Paso cuz this trip is brutal. Your eyes go cross eyed after seeing the same cactus every so many miles. Your right butt cheek falls asleep at least a thousand times. And I swur the tumbleweeds hablen en español. Ya tu sables que es cierto!
I talked to her while she was driving.
Oyes hermana! Como estas?
Cansada ‘manita. Hizo bastante cosas hoy! Necesito una Corona, un limón y una alfombra.
She sounded like she was gon have some explicit pillow talk wit the bed at the place she was staying the night. It was already 20 minutes past 20:00 and she still had at least another hour maybe hour and a half to go. Such a fugly fuckin trip! She finally arrived to her destination about an hour and a half later.
The next morning seemed to run longer than listening to a long winded Southern Baptist minister’s sermon during Sunday service. She had a few hours to kill in the afternoon, so she decided to stop into the local BBQ joint before heading back to the city.
If you’ve never been to Texas, there’s one thing to understand… We bond over authentic perfect smoked Texas BBQ. I don’t cur where you from or how good your BBQ is even though I’m sure it’s the shiiiit there ain’t nada like genuine smoked overnight tender brisket, juicy fall off da bone ribs and homemade smoked sausage from Texas. And don’t get us started about tradition end BBQ side dishes. Potato salad. Cold dill pickles. Baked beans preferably with bacon. Grilled Texas toast. And maybe a cobbler or a pie.
So damn hongry right now.
Phoenix is one of those people who never seems to encounter a stranger. No matter where she goes or who she’s around, people gravitate to her. I imagine people flocking to her for the shear fact she is Phoenix and Phoenix is she. So I wasn’t surprised when Phoenix told me she struck up a conversation with a nice older gentleman sitting down the way (maybe a a chair or two) from her.
How are the ribs?
Oh, they’re mighty fine young lady. Just fallin off the bone. (Imagine that Matthew McCounauhey drawl)
I was going to get some but I opted for the brisket and sausage which are equally delicious.
They sho smell like they’re mighty tasty.
The older gentleman and Phoenix continue their covenrsation while licking they sauce laced fangas and smacking their lips loudly and joyously like they ain’t never ain’t a thang in their lives.
Again, Phoenix is one of those extremely down to earth, outgoing and laid back people who often surprises people with her knowledge of sports in particular football. To be more specific #CoogNation football. Whachall know bout scarlet red and albino white down thur in the H?! It wouldn’t surprise me if somehow the conversation led to sports but in case it went straight to left field.
The older gentleman, we’ll call him Bob, asked Phoenix if she was from or lived in the area. She said her family was from the Valley but she actually lived in H-town. Bob’s eyes suddenly got big and had a glimmer of mischief. Older folks and mischief are a crazy combination. One can never be too sure what’s going through their minds at any given moment. Thank GAWD Phoenix is fluent in detecting mischief and getting into and sometimes causing trouble. She picked up on his debauchery and played along with the conversation.
Are you single young lady?
Mental side eye… Yes sir, I am single.
Bob cocked his head to the side, raised an eyebrow and smiled even more deviously.
What in the hell is this man up to? Damn this brisket is so gooood! *squirrel*
Bob probed more about Phoenix and what she likes to do in her spare time. In typical Phoenix fashion her answers were cryptic and short but gave enough information to satisfy Bob. Then this witty old man leaned back in his chair. Took out his handkerchief to wipe his brow. He let out a big sigh and sat there for what seems like forever and then said…
I have a son that lives in Houston too and I think you two would hit it off.
Is this man suriously tryna pimp his son out to me?
Bob described his son as a handsome chap who indeed had a well paying job and his own home, as if he knew that would somehow be two of Phoenix’s requirements. He also mentioned that his son liked sports just as much as Phoenix. Is this really happening right now? Weird shit always happens to me!
But she went along with it. Why the hell not? You only live one right? They exchanged business cards with accurate real contact information.
They continued talking and bonding over the scrumptious Texas BBQ. Phoenix finished her lunch and packed up her belongings and thanked Bob for the interesting and entertaining conversation.
Have a nice afternoon little lady.