So the other day you turned fourteen and a half. My gawd time has truly escaped me since September 2000. It’s crazy to think about how much time has passed and how much little time is left before you go off to college. Perhaps I shouldn’t get too far ahead of myself seeing as you’re only going to be in high school in September. You probably cannot wait for time to pass but I’m sure your parents would rather time slow down. Can’t say that I blame them tho. I’m fairly certain they thought the same thing when I was your age.
I should have started these letters a long time ago because at least then you’d know that I don’t let a day go by without thinking about you. Of course, I know there’s a strong possibility you may never read this section of my blog and that’s okay cuz ya mama is crazy and I wouldn’t want you to think any less than you already do.
It’s funny how as you get older, I tend to miss you more. I grow more and more curious about who you are. What you like to do. If you’re interested in the same hobbies I was when I was your age or that I am now. I wonder what your parents have told you about me or if anything at all.
You were three when I saw you last and the experience was so not what I wanted or hoped it would be. I thought… I hoped… To be honest, I don’t know what I thought. Seeing as your parents are my aunt and uncle, I had hoped we’d continue being one big family instead of me feeling like the birth mom and them feeling like I was a threat.
This may or may not have been the case but I assure you I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted not to be in your life. But I removed myself because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought by allowing you to grow up in a drama free environment that everyone would be happy which is all I’ve ever wanted for you.
Please understand that in order for you to have a better life I had to make some difficult decisions. Decisions I’ve lived with for the last 14 years 6 months and 6 days. I remember the day I gave birth to you. I remember when my doctor told me you were a girl and not a boy like the ultrasound seemed to show. You little imph you had your thumb in between your legs and well yeah. Hahahaha
I remember freaking out in the hospital because you were crying and not eating. I remember holding you when you were maybe a few months old and feeling like I was the luckiest person ever. I remember when you touched your nose then touched mine. It almost felt like you knew who I was to you. I remember whispering to you mommy loves you as you were sleeping in my arms at your parents house.
Sigh… Again, I don’t know what you know about me. If you don’t know anything else about me then know that I love you so incredibly much.
You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.
I’ll love you always baby girl…