Conflicted

Can we talk blogosphere? I mean really and truly talk. Let’s get down and dirty about… Family and the relationships we have and don’t have at the moment.

I received an email from my mother yesterday that was short, sweet and full of ATTITUDE! By attitude, I do not mean sass or snarky ness. I mean anger, hurt, slightly pissed and with a Claire Huxtable side eye. Lemme explain…

I’m horrible when it comes to returning emails and calls. It’ll literally take me days maybe months to respond. Not because I don’t want to or anything like that. I’m just horribly lazy. Now text messages are totally different. I’ll respond via text within seconds, a few minutes or an hour. It’s easier. More simplistic. Less lazy.

Well when my mother emails me, I don’t respond quickly especially if I look at her email at work. I typically wait until I’m at a stopping point or have a break which lemme just say is more often than not since it’s the summer. It has been since Mother’s Day that I have sent her anything. She sent me an email about a month ago that I conveniently decided not to respond to because I didn’t want to answer the question she asked that day. Well a month later here comes the email I got yesterday.

hey Cheycara how are you, it has been a long time since I have hear from you. I remember I ask for your telephone# and you did not respond, but that is ok. Just wanted to let you know that your grandmother had a stroke last week. You take care of yourself. Whenever you decide to respond you do so. Love Mom. Have a great and blessed day. God bless

I responded to that one. The email was short and rather sheepish sounding but I didn’t know what to say. I’ve never really know how to respond when it comes to my grandmother. I’m not close to her. I’ve never been close to her. For whatever reason, she and I never found a common lets all get along type of ground. Our relationship is so disjointed that I literally felt nothing about her having a stroke. Yes that’s rude and mean but what’s the point in faking my emotions? How would me being oh boooo hoooo hoooo about a woman who is your stereotypical “church lady” going to help matters or my mother?

She’s old skool y’all. Nothing I did ever seemed to be enough for this woman. I wish I could explain without sounding like a whiny brat but it’s the truth. After my Papa passed away in 1991, something changed in her. Something changed her view of me. What it was I really don’t know. Perhaps it was the fact I was more like the Latimer side. Perhaps she was angry and hurt I was closer to my Papa than I was to her. I dunno! All I know is that I quickly decided in junior high I wanted to leave home after high school just so I could be free of her. FREE I tell you FREE!

————-

Sigh… She’s been sick off and on for years now. Each time I have not gone to see her. Each time I’m sure my mother has grown more and more upset with me for it. I just can’t fake it. That’s not who I am. I may wear my emotions on my sleeves but only if I feel them which is why I am conflicted.

I feel sorry for my mother because I know she’s hurting and upset that her mother is sick. I get it. I’d feel something awful if my mother was sick and not doing well. But she’s my mother and I love her immensely. I feel nothing towards grandma and haven’t for years. thirteen to be exact Time may heal wounds but it doesn’t allow one to forget. The memories of and emotions from my past are unfortunately at the forefront of my mind hence the inner conflict.

Is that bad? Am I wrong for not having any emotion towards my grandmother?

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee

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