Indifferent…

So I’ve been trying to write this post September 2013. Each time I have sat down to write something I am either interrupted, distracted or I simply give up because I have lose motivation; which if you know me well, that happens more often than not.

Today, on this sixth day of 2014, I am determined not only to start with a clear thought out idea but end and publish so I walk away for once and for all!

Let’s start with actually defining today’s blog post title. Please see below…


This feeling of indifference has been hovering over me like a low lying storm cloud. I’m not depressed which is good but I’m not happy either. Let me be real for a second… I am grateful for everything I have in life. I have a JOB, a roof over my head, a bed to lay in, an education, not one but two vehicles and a host of friends and family that love me immensely. I AM A PHENOMENAL WOMAN!

However, I am also a woman. LOL we are the most fickle creatures and like most other women I’m not satisfied with having less than I deserve. I’ve been at my job for almost ten years now. Most of the friends I have made here have not only left the company but are doing BIGGER and BETTER things with their lives. They all have that “after ______” [y’all realize companies be reading a perra’s shyte right?!] glow that I so badly want because I know God has something far better for me. But at the same time, I am constantly hearing this voice saying be patient. Be patient and wait. But I don’t want to be patient. I don’t want to wait. Mind you, I am generally a patient-sure-I-can-wait type of person.

But for a little over a year and a half, I feel like I’m losing sight of who and what I want to be in this world. Instead of thinking before I speak and/or react, I let my emotions dictate what I say, the tone of my words and the facial expressions that subsequently follow said actions. Most times, I can “put on” a good front but to be honest and in my damn defense, I have never been able to hide my emotions especially when I’m all “Angry Black Girl” which is why I believe I’ve taken on the notion of being indifferent. If I don’t care as much about something or someone then dealing with a situation somehow becomes easier. That’s complete and utter bullshit but it sounds good right?! The truth of the matter is that part of me does indeed care about the situation at hand. Part of me cares so damn much, I stress out more than I really should.

Does that make me human? Yes most certainly. Does it drive me crazy being neither here or there but caring anyway? More than I can explain in one blog post.

Ni modo… (oh well)

Thanks for reading…

 

The Southern Yankee

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