I. Feel. Nothing.

email

My family and I have an estranged type of relationship. The only person I really communicate with is my mother. She’s the only one I really care about anyway with the exception of my beautiful almost teenage daughter. So imagine the unsettling feeling I had when I receiving the above email from my mother yesterday about my grandmother (her mother). A very small part of me wants to go visit her in the hospital.

But a bigger more like 99.5% of me feels absolutely nothing. I wish I could explain why this woman who had a large hand in raising me means nothing to me other than she’s my mother’s mother. I wish I could consciously feel the emotions I know I have toward this woman. I wish things could have been different between us because she is after all my grandmother. She gave birth to the woman who gave birth to me. But yet i. feel. nothing!

The last few years have literally been out of sight out of mind. Is that bad to say? Is it bad that I know I should feel something towards her since she’s family but I. Just. Can’t.

When I think of her, I don’t think of the good times that’s because I don’t remember any! we had together. I just get angry. Angry beyond what I can even explain right now. You would think that I would have let all that bullshit go but I haven’t. I find myself wondering if Papa were alive when I was a teenager or if I had not have been so damn emotional about everything she said could we have actually developed some sort of relationship.

Sigh I suppose it is too late for coulda woulda shoulda. All I can do is pray right now for her well being and peace of mind.

Thanks for reading…

The Southern Yankee

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