Disclaimer: When reading this story, imagine Miss Paula Deen’s voice. I promise it’s funnier that way. Enjoy!!
My name is Chernacia Von Tease-Jones but you can call me Cher. My fame got bigger in a tiny little Creole town outside Baton Rouge, LA with four people that want to claim to be my siblings. But the truth of the matter is they really just want to be like me. When I was born, Mother and Daddy had no clue what to name me so they put their names together; Cheryl Von Tease and Nacio Jones. Ain’t the most star struck name I ever heard but it’s mine and will become famous. As a child, Mother always told me I was different. She’d say, “Baby girl, yous different. Different from all ya bruthas and sistas, ya granddaddy and big momma and ya cuzzins. Hell sometimes, I be wonderin how the hell you my child because you don’t act nuttin like me or yo daddy.”
Well first of all, I gots smooth high yella (damn near white) skin, light hazel grey eyes and long curly reddish blonde hair. Secondly, I’m 6 foot 2 without my high steppers. E’rybody in my family is 5 foot 8 and below. Thirdly, I got a thick “Paula Deen-Scarlett O’Hara-grew up on a damn plantation” Southern accent. E’ry time I talk to people, they think I grew up in Georgia and not Louisiana. I speak Louisiana Creole French fluently but not very often because for one, big momma can’t understand shit I say and two, it sounds too white with my perfectly Mariah Carey sounding voice. And gurl, you best not forget the best thing about THIS.
I got an attitude from Ms. Whitney Houston herself (God rest her precious soul) and can cut a bitch faster than two year old twins could tear up a nursery. People in town call me the Southern Diva because I’m sweet and the lady they all want to be yet I’m a bit high maintenance and my temper is fiercer and more ferocious than Rihanna running away from Chris Brown. So I’ve knocked owt a few broke ass bitches, cut their weave and faces with a dull rusty knife and fucked they triflin ass boi-friens. Dumb ass broads shouldn’t’ve been messin with my little brothers and stringing them along. Don’t get it twisted I can’t stand my siblings but only this brand of perfection can mess with dem.
It’s a damn muthafuckin shame it all had to end so abruptly. You see, you only think this body is perfect. But you don’t know what I had to do to keep this shit tight. That place they call 24. You know the place. Ya I go there. I heard someone nicknamed it a gym or sum shit like day. Anyway! I went there and let me tell you honey the mens at this place were fahn. They would look at me in my four inch glittery silver heels and smile all sweet and shit. Oooooo I remember that Puerto Rican papi with the muscles and the… OOPS my bad… Back to the story! Anyway I got on one of those thangs that make you walk in place. Great invention! You don’t have to be outside getting all hawt and shit. Instead you just turn it on and this thing keeps moving. It’s a perfect way to perfect your runway walk.
Gurl I was doing this and perfecting my wave and this smile were on point!!! I went to do my bend and snap, you know to finish up my walk. But when I stopped moving my feet, the floor my heels were on kept moving. I hit my head on sum bar and blacked out. Before I knew it I wasn’t at that 24 place anymore. I was sum place that wasn’t going to let me practice my runway walk. “I ain’t stayin here!” I said to the guy at the computer. He fumbled around like he ain’t had no damn sense. “You see my name on that screen. You can send me back!” So I pushed his scrawny ass owt da way and hit return. Before I knew it, I woke up screaming. I was still Southern Diva, but I was different. “Oooo lawd, you funny! Playin this an evil ass trick on me.” The good oh lawd made me into a man. Not just a man, but gurl he made me a 6’1, blue eyed, bleach blonde haired, hip swanging, diva glaring white gay hoe. TWO SNAPS IN A Z FORMATION BITCH!! I didn’t thank I could get any better, but I sho did!