Day 29: Something You Hope To Change About Yourself and why?

Change is good, right?

All my damn life I’ve heard “change is good” or “You’ve gotta embrace change sweetheart.” What if I don’t wanna embrace change? Insert mean deadly side eye here Why do I have to be the one to change something and not everyone around me? stubborn little shit aren’t i?

To be absolutely honest, I’m not sure I would change anything about myself right now; aside from my physical appearance. Of course that’s stating the obvious because most females don’t like their physical appearance anyway. It doesn’t matter whether she is a skinny bitch or big and fahn, most women will find something wrong with their bodies. But that is for another more “self-loathing” type of post.

The truth of the matter is this… I make the conscience choice to change something about myself every single day. I just don’t always follow through with my choices. Take for example this 30 Days of Truth challenge. I found this challenge a year and a half ago and I didn’t start it until last month. It takes a while for me to commit wholeheartedly to something. I think about whatever it is I want to do or change for what seems like an eternity until one day I literally throw myself into it. I’m the WORST procrastinator ever! Not to mention that I’m so incredibly indecisive and wishy washy I drive myself crazy. Perhaps that is something to change about myself. Meh I’m female… I sometimes think being that way is ingrained in our chromosomes.

I suppose if I HAD to change something I would hope to change how I treat people. Let’s get something straight LOL I am mean to EVERYONE! I offer absolutely NO apologies or excuses for my mean streak. I will say that I think I got this horrible meanness from my maternal grandmother. For the love of everything evil and crazy, my fraternity nickname is Lady Deathstrike. Please note no one has been harmed too much since being given this name. Thanks, management!

I admit sometimes I take things too far. I don’t speak. I look at people with a death glare side eye. I give short almost inaudible or Boomhower-esque answers. Oh and my facial expressions totally do not say the same as the words that are coming out of my mouth. Believe me when I say I do indeed try my best not to be this way. However, in my defense what feeble defense I have I wear my emotions and opinions of people on my sleeve, my face, my mannerisms, you get my point. Most times my behavior is the result of a current or past event or situation. Other times… well I hate to say it this way but other times I just don’t like a person. I strongly believe everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and genuine compassion. Unfortunately,

Trust me when I say I don’t always follow my own beliefs. I struggle daily with giving EVERYONE the same respect I would want for myself. Sometimes I am successful. Other times not so much. I hate the fact that I usually wear my emotions on my sleeve and face for that matter. Certainly we all have known a person who says one thing but is clearly feeling something else by the mug he or she is wearing. I’m notorious for that shit. I’ve never been one to hide my emotions from anyone. I suppose it is good I am transparent that way but at the same time, I’m sure I have offended at least one or two hundred dare I exaggerate a little bit people. Most times I don’t really care. I mean what can I do? A person is either loved, hated or tolerated and I am no different from any other person in this world.

Perhaps Mum (not to be confused with my biological mother) is right; as a person gets older, the proverbial “filter” tends to go away. Who knows? All I know is that at some point LOL my ass needs to figure out a way to constantly wear a poker face.

 

Thanks for reading…

 

The Southern Yankee

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